You guys are just like my real parents, in that I receive mixed messages from you and you both reek of cigarettes

Good dad, my ass. Look at how badly that kid’s missing his spots.

+1

Nausea and vomiting aren’t usually the result of a clubhouse scuffle, but they are commonly experienced by players who have suffered a concussion.

Forget whether he will be- Should Ryan Lochte be extradited?

Goddamnit, Samer. This really isn’t the BBC porn I was looking for.

Boxing. That being said, if the right people are judging, dying mid-fight might not prevent me from winning.

In related news, a camel still isn’t able to pass through the eye of a needle.

It’s funny that it’s on a lot of people’s minds, though

Police: Mr. Hickey? You’re under arrest for... holy shit, did you really just run through the wall to try to get away from us?

After passing out during the clean-and-jerk, Tokola plans to return to his native Finland, where he is set to star in the Finnish remake of Kung Fu.

You son of a bitch. All the effort I’ve gone through to get my brewery operational, and with one article you completely undermine the concept of Little Dick Failson Ale.

Fielder will end his career with 319 career home runs,

Ha!

“Oh my God, Steve... what happened to you?!”

I’d prefer not to think of the genesis of your repetitive motion elbow issues, to be honest.

Man named Dick Fiddler: I demand you respect where I came from.

Let’s all hope this is the beginning of a long and bitter rivalry between the city of Montreal and the entire state of Kansas.

“AAARGAGAAAAAHHHGGGGGHHHAAAAAAGGGHHHH” - Tim Howard, at the DMV, for some reason.

If it makes you feel any better, Albert, there’s no way that dude’s wife isn’t fucking around on him.