He’s a fucking muppet, now stop wasting our time.

If you don’t like this kind of shit going down, stop offering bounties on escaped prisoners.

That must be the axe they gave him.

if football fans are good at anything, it’s finding creative ways to stay as shitfaced as possible while turning the stadium into a hell on Earth.

I bet Flacco goes nuts when he sees this. Dude might even burn through a whole sleeve of saltines tonight.

More importantly, Alex Ovechkin’s name apparently translates to Alex Sheeple.

Ha!

When I was in fourth grade I was Jesus Christ in a church play. This was an Easter-themed play and went through basically the entirety of Holy Week, so naturally there was a crucifiction scene in it. Obviously, they couldn’t just nail me to the cross, so instead the director gave me a little box to stand on and tied…

Yeah, Peyton’s known for a lot of things that start with fore.

Oh, I get it. Kind of like how the Chiefs call Andy Reid the Burger King.

Scully: Aww, he smiled at me!

[tries to wink but comes off as really creepy]

Is that a winky face, or did Jason lose his eye too?

Sunshine Lynch’s facebook post was followed up by one from her daughter, Harmony, who threatened to bite Russell Wilson’s nose off.

The instagram posts were followed by Jason accidentally liking a bunch of replies while he tried to scroll through them.

[beaten to it]

Wait a minute, Barry. Doesn’t throwing Eli under the bus stop the clock here?

Chin up, Luke. You could still kick for the Steelers.

Ah, fuck. There goes his second career as a movie reviewer.

Ha!