"Here's your problem. See this support column? Looks like it was designed by a guy who learned calculus at a school which spent its money on a football stadium instead of a decent teacher."

In Praise Of Sugar: The Kirstie Alley Story

I like to think extroverts have Attention Dependency Disorder.

Weddings are the worst for lots of strangers, but I really can't think of anything I HAVE to be at, besides work. My family has more or less accepted that I don't enjoy gatherings. I've said that if I won the lottery, I wouldn't leave the house very often. You can get most things delivered, thanks to the Internet.

You completely missed just murdering each and every one of them.

I don't have a problem with houses exploding per se, but on live television? What am I supposed to tell my kids?

Leaked Internal Scouting Report: Wow These Nerds Love Merit Badges

I don't remember the last time I hated a commercial so much.

Are we sure those are Browns fans, and not just the actual guys?

Namath: "What are you doing, sneaking bologna in your jacket like that? Are you 8 years old? Why didn't you get something... good?"

♫ My bologna has a first name

For Immediate Release

Jesus, what would he hope for if he *did* wish her bad luck?

"This is a man, living in 2014, who views his employees as sub-human generators of his own wealth."

A friend of mine was born without his right hand. He has a small "nub" instead. When he was young, he used a prosthetic hand that he didn't like very much. We were on a soccer team for 6 and 7 year olds, and during one game he was using his prosthetic hand (and had had it on all day) when it became uncomfortable. So…

Im guessing the answer, after all the bullshit, boils down to : Money.

This is a huge misunderstanding. They did meet Derrick Rose. He's just below frame collapsed on the ground.

Even if a thousand people like it, it's still unfunny shit. His whole shtick, all this time, has been "Oh this isn't practical". We know it's not practical. Pointing it out to us won't really change that.

Nice to see this Pete Holmes guy still doesn't know the difference between what's funny, and what's annoying. Do people actually watch this crap, or is someone at Kotaku getting paid to push this stuff?