that would require him to last until the season premiere which is still six weeks away

Do you also rank sections of the Sistine Chapel? This shit’s a fucking masterpiece, top to bottom, and can only be appreciated as a whole. And also, you missed this:

This was quite a solid coke-rant. I’ll bet he didn’t pause to take a breath the entire time.

The NY Times printed all the quotes uncensored and it is glorious.

Jesus, someone at SNL must have a bulletproof rabbit’s foot or horseshoe or something, because just when I thought the inspiration for their best bit of the year was vanishing to the Great Podium in the Sky, into the national spotlight comes an even better character. Hell, McCarthy could just make SNL her full time…

I heard Mark Spritz is her new trainer

So, Neymar to Merseyside then. That should shake up the Premier League race.

Serious question: if someone doesn’t have an ID, how else, beyond confirming his birthdate and social security number and looking at a DMV picture, should a police officer be able to confirm an individual is who he says he is? I’m not really sure how they normally do this, but I can’t think of really any other steps…

Half of Chicago is now memorizing Mike Glennon’s full name and DOB, *fingers crossed* just in case.

It’s okay. Even stupid dogs are Good Dogs.

This is truly a good dog. In the world of skateboarding dogs, there are a lot of fucking posers out there, including this jerk from Butler.

*receives pink slips*

If I’d done that then my grandma would have smacked me so hard I’d have orbited the earth twice and then landed in Russia in that town with all the wolves. And I’d have been glad to be there, because the wolves would still be safer than going back to my grandmother’s house for another couple of orbits.

I don’t like to point fingers, but one commenter tried to acquit all white people earlier this week by explaining that he puts garlic salt on his chicken before he puts it on the grill.

Eh. Assholes be assholes. In Austin we’re dealing with the deluge of people moving into “the live music capital of the world’s” downtown area and complaining so hard about said live music the city enacts noice ordinances that within a year cause some of the most cherished venues in the city to either relocate or close.

True story, I dated a guy who lived down the street from the ice cream truck depot in the West Village. Around 5pm, every summer evening, they all roll out as an adorably coordinated sugar-fueled cheer army. The jingles were always delightful because even though they were loud, they just sound like happiness.

Dog has heard your prayers (via NOLA)

Irving has expressed that he wants to go play in a situation where he can be a more focal point

Kyrie Irving to Paris Saint Germain.

The first week of the first post college job I ever had, my car broke down. It was a 1989 Chevrolet Celebrity, and the transmission granaded on the highway. It would have cost more to fix than it was worth so I was on the hunt.