The Christian thing I can't say - though I seem to remember that he was from a flyover state so the whole 'grew up Christian' and now sees his nondenominational faith as a badge of pride in a sea of LA hedonism, seems about right.

Snuggle makes me cringe far more than cuddle would. It's a creepy combination of babyish and lecherous at the same time.

I agree re: too many similarities. I don't know whether to high-five you or feel sorry for you. But I'm glad we got to hear from someone who made it out alive. Thank you for your story. It made me giggle.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! This is the best worst date story ever told. I wish I could spend hours and hours interrogating you.

I'm so glad you didn't end up as a skin-suit. *hugs*

I imagine the first night will go a little like this

Ok, so, he dressed like a typical Cali hipster. Converse and a leather jacket. Shaggy hair with a swooping side bang. Small penis. Unsurprisingly. Was sort of flirting with how interested I was in BDSM - which is to say, trying it on without asking like a fucking adult.

Guys - I think I went out with this guy. I'm being 100% serious. I met a part-time musician at Sundance years ago when I was living in SF. We hooked up and then kept in touch a bit. I had to travel back and forth to LA (where he lived...) for a while and met up with him again at a house party. He was charming in a…

Not in the garage- 'free standing cottage' is code for converted garage in someone's backyard.

"Thermoses" looks like the name of an Egyptian Pharaoh to me.

Ughhhhh, he used the terms "make love" and "cuddle." Women never say those words, correct? Those "See! I swear I'm sensitive and romantic" bullshit terms are the biggest turn off and red flags.

Why do I have a feeling this dude's favorite movie is Boxing Helena?

No family, no job, no possessions, no pets...

Where is this girl? Running for her damn life if she's got an ounce of sense.

Ugh, yes, so true! And "make love," gah. If only he had thrown in "wet kisses" for the vomit trifecta.

Exceptions will be made for designated cuddle time and the scheduled lovemaking sessions.

Bro. Broooo. Let me explain some things to you about why you're in your 40s and still single and not by choice. No. There is too much. Let me sum up.

I can't lie: I checked out as soon as I hit the word "cuddle" in the first bullet point. "Cuddle" is the "moist" of relationship words. *cringes*

I sort of approach every fresh encounter like it could turn into "Looking for Mr. Goodbar", and then wonder why I haven't had sex in so long.

Just like it happened to Carrie!