“Excuse me, would you mind wearing this bar towel as a bib?  What’s that?  Why did I move your food and cover the whole area with bar towels?  Lean forward and I’ll tell ya.”

With the price of vanilla right now, you might as well recommend scrubbing your hands with diamonds.

It means that a slow 14 year old somehow found the takeout.

Yep.  I won’t get an omelet at a diner very often.

Yeah.  If I want an egg dish with a bunch of filling, I’m going frittata or quiche.  American-style omelets are fine, but the eggs almost always get overcooked when you have a bunch of filling.

This is a good video.  Thanks for posting.

Damn right. The last time I made gumbo, I was in the middle of making a roux, and someone asked me from the next room (open floor plan) if I could come over and show them how to get to the blu ray player. I said “no”, if you bring me the remote, I’ll show you what to do.

“Nutrition is science I trust. Also, the Earth is flat. This has been ‘I’m a gigantic fucking moron’ sponsored by basketball guy”

Lynn Cheney did not fucking start that, dipshit.  That “joke” has been around since the day after PETA was founded.

“Todd Gurley (winner of the Associated Press NFL Offensive Player of the Year Award for 2018)“

To be fair, “green” and “black” encompass dozens of different tasting varieties.  If you are talking about regular black olives and the type of green olives that come in jars only, you should try a store or market with an olive bar or at least a larger selection, as there are tons of great olives out there.

Hell, if you asked 18 year old me to try Ethiopian food, I would probably have made a joke about that being a bowl of sand (starvation being the only thing people knew about the country at that point, and that being in the news constantly).

I had something similar. I had an irrational aversion to sushi. Never tried it, just hated the idea.

I’ve tried, lord knows I’ve tried, with broccoli.  But now, at 37, I know I just will never like it.  And I love cauliflower.  But the taste of broccoli is just never going to do it for me.  No matter how much cheese sauce you put on it.

Good tomatoes are NOT mealy.

“the blame here goes to apparently no one knowing how to cook them outside of boiling/steaming them”

Sunny side up is just a fried egg that is not flipped at all.  Over easy is the same consistency, but usually is flipped on the griddle (giving it a white skin over the yolk, as opposed to a sunny side up, where you see the yolk with nothing covering it).

He seems to want an episode of Last Week Tonight’s longform portion for every joke. 

So...he’s playing Schumer perfectly, is what you’re saying?

I mean...not exactly a household name.  I still don’t know who she is beyond “British actress”.