My parents never bought me anything musical for either Christmas or my birthday in my entire life.

Damn, it’s going to be a tough day for that New York bench when it finds out that not only was it adopted, but it was named after David Ortiz.

Holmes: Hey, I’m Anthony Holmes.

Jerry Jones: I live with second-guessing and disappointments,..but enough about my wife and children.

Actually the record for least amount of hugs Goodell received is held by both of his parents.

Goodell: [shakes Tunsil’s hand] Pretty exciting night for you so far, huh?

“You know, when I was your age concussions weren’t even invented yet.”

DeAndre Jordan: I think it’s safe to say that both of you are going to be terribly missed.

D’Angelo Russell: [swipes right]

That dude deleted his profile picture too and now totally has egg on his face.

I’d cry too of some lady unexpectedly gave me the clap.

Damn, talk about a party fowl.

I imagine Boozer came home and immediately changed the color instead of having to defend the paint.

Tiger: [sheepishly walks up to hot babe]

For once the Browns won’t even have to draft a quarterback to guarantee themselves a bunch of picks.

To be fair, he got that tattoo back when Mark McGwire was with the team and white power was still cool.

Woman: But Google said that baseball games last 9 innings..

Tiny Catcher: Goddamnit, that was my ride home.

Would have never happened if Papelbon remembered to shut the door.

“Sorry, I just needed to buckle my wife’s seatbelt first.”