A deeply dumb and self centered girl I know has spent literally years getting her ‘online Christian Drug Counselor degree’ from Liberty. The reason she chose that? Her husband has the same degree. She met, got knocked up by and subsequently married said husband when he was her drug counselor. He was 32, she was 19.

Your child is going to be punching her in the bladder and kicking her in the ribs for the next 19 weeks, and making her pee herself a little bit every time she coughs hard for the rest of her life. A foot-massage and cake is just the beginning.

My former boss was a dentist who ran his own practice. Insurance for his family— 4 kids, SAHM, and himself was going to run him something like 4000/month, so he quit his practice to go to work for the VA in order to get health insurance.

I could watch him use ten words when two would do all day long.

“Old Mil-wauk-ee?” I must be in America now!

Yep. She also refused to kiss Hot Shakespeare because his breath was horrible.

You know what some of those irresponsible actions can be? Not knowing that grapefruit juice can lower the efficacy of some BC pills. Getting a stomach virus. Requiring antibiotics. Being unable to tolerate hormonal BC and the condom tearing. Having an IUD migrate out of your uterus. Expelling an IUD during a heavy…

I never attended a single dance or ball game during my entire educational career. Just didn’t care.

Fucker needs to spend some time hunting down his chin.

“I tried one once and it gave me terrible heartburn.” Actual thing I said to some random woman who asked me about kids. Usually my answer is a horrified look and an “Oh, good heavens, no,” which throws them right off their game.

While Justice is generally cringe-worthy, he was spot on in calling that budget a pile of shit; it made drastic cuts in education and healthcare while refusing to raise taxes on the wealthy, and was a last minute swap in for the budget the democrats and republicans and come to a compromise on that was supposed to go…

Twenty-five goddamn years, and the man cannot put an empty soda can in the trash. It sits on the table next to the trash. I empty the last five drops into the sink and put it in the trash.

I don’t know who that silly child is, but I’ll take Frank Sinatra’s advice any day over some Manic Pixie Dream Girl:

“I am shocked, shocked, to find you take string theory seriously.”

OxyContin.

As an Old, most of the time it looks like crap in person. If you spend your life taking carefully lit selfies, then it looks great on screen. In the frozen food aisle? It looks like the makeup gun got set on Star Trek Alien. From what I’ve found about foundation is that you absolutely need moisturizer first, then…

I’ve have Crohns Disease (mostly inactive now after 15 years of misery) and have had food poisoning once— a verified, hospital-isolation room-worth case of salmonella that was tracked by the CDC.