I'm watching this through my fingers and my urgent question, which I just screamed aloud to anyone who will listen (potential audience: husband, 2 cats, maybe a ghost), is WHY DON'T THEY SHOW THE EMPTY HOLE AT THE END? THAT'S OBVIOUSLY THE BEST BIT.

You're not wrong, but ain't nobody got time to pay those medical bills. We are too broke.

That explains a lot! I had always thought regular pimples couldn't wait 20 years without either bursting the skin on their own or going away and was terribly confused.

Oh God Mark, WHYYYYYY???

HOW COULD YOU LIVE FOR 20 YEARS KNOWING THAT WAS FESTERING IN YOUR SKIN AHHHHHHHHHHH

the toddler "did not disclose any information that would warrant a criminal investigation."

This is someone who was hanging out at a trendy, crowded place, it was caught on video, and she went straight to the police, once she figured out what happened. She did everything that every asshole who responds with "BUT DID SHE DO THIS" after hearing a rape account asks about. And she still hasn't seen justice.

Ever hear someone say to order a pizza and call the cops and see who gets there first? I accidentally did that when I found a crackhead in my neighbors backyard in New Orleans smoking crack. I had just ordered the pizza and heard yelling then went outside to look. I think it took the cops 45 minutes to show up but by…

I was pissed off until I got to the toddler bit, and now I reckon I could actually kill someone.

Except if you have sensitive teeth, then ice is a friend of Satan.

I didn't have any pictures of me, but here is my son, dressed as Minnie Mouse, with the microphone he is planning on spending the rest of his life with. #loveislove

that's not a swoon thats an orgasm

Done.

*cancels photoshoot of same-sex dogs kissing* PARTY POOPERS.

Pick the hairiest, most strongly-jawed of the bunch. Put him in the worst wig, not even a wig, the end of a mob. Insist that this is your loving wife.

"Whose last name you're honestly a little fuzzy on." It's okay if I'm fuzzy on the first name, too, right?

I wish I had a boyfriend and 19 cabbage patch dolls to hold in my arms as I kissed him.

Jim Bob's words:

*Calls up my all my guy friends* Alright guys, we have been waiting for this moment. Time to troll & promote ourselves, as 50 Shades of Gay Guys.