TEA EMERGENCIES INCLUDE: Tea exists, and is not currently being consumed by me. Thanks.

Car broke down? Have a cup of tea. House on fire? Have a cup of tea. World ending? Have a cup of tea? Out of tea? Have a cup of... dammit...

* Tea emergencies can include but are not limited to: something bad happened; something good happened; something might happen soon but I’m waiting to see; it is the afternoon; it is the morning; something reminded me of tea; there is a social gathering that requires tea.

As an avid multi-cups a day tea drinker, that definition is spot on. Feeling sad? Cup of tea. Celebrating? Cup of tea. Your head’s come off? Cup of tea. You’re dead? Cup of tea.

* Tea emergencies can include but are not limited to: something bad happened; something good happened; something might happen soon but I’m waiting to see; it is the afternoon; it is the morning; something reminded me of tea; there is a social gathering that requires tea.

A girl asked my high school biology teacher if you could get pregnant from swallowing.

So, his Wiki page has been updated with this important life discovery:

Hold on a second there, LADIES.

Barbierei will go back to his side gig sitting on the board of a pregnancy center in the state.

I swear to GOD if I ever found out my (actual) son had done something like this his life wouldn't be worth living for about two years.

Glad the mother was horrified instead of making some cliched remark about boys being boys or just kidding. Or turned into scary momma bear and how dare someone call out her snowflake.

This is incredibly satisfying. Nothing is more wonderful than the idea of misogynists having to admit their misogyny to the one woman who they think is somehow different. It's a beautiful thing.

CUE THE MOTHERFUCKING JOHN WILLIAMS, IT'S THE MILLENIUM FALCON.

My first reaction: OH MY GOD. THEY CUT OFF ARTOO'S HEAD. THOSE BASTARDS!

So the Official Droid of FIFA, the Darkside Claymore, and the Desert Popsicle ....WHERE IS MY WOOKIE BATTLE MECHA!!!!!

Garden variety TIEs aren't exactly high-end. They're the Honda Civics of the SW universe.

just once I want to stay in a hotel with a homosexual lobby. I hear they are FAAAABULOUS

Because of their uncompromising stand on marriage and abstinence, the homosexual lobby has drawn a bully bead on Jim and Michelle Duggar.

homosexuals launched a very frightening and fast-growing petition

WE HATE THE DUGGARS!!!!!