I want to be the Johnny Appleseed of Sex Ed in this country. Ol' Jamie Condomsfree—that's what they'll call me. Instead of wandering the country sprinkling about apple seeds, I want to go around with my condoms and birth control pills, throwing them willy-nilly to the delight of all the horny teenagers.

Look, you don't need to devalue it any more. Garfunkel and Oats have a song that tells you just how to keep your virginity...and God happy:

"I could look at any one of you in the eyes right now and tell if you're going to be promiscuous."

What do you have against Quakers? They are a peaceful people.