In reading the news this week, including this, all I can think of is that The Onion is not a satirical paper, but a missive sent from the future meant to warn us and we're all fucking idiots.

Look, I want to fit in my awesome wardrobe as much as the next lady, so I watch it, but really — who the fuck wants to think about food as obsessively as the folks on these insane diets*? You could be thinking about sex. Sex is a WAY better occupation for your brain. Paleo what? Is that an improbable coitus…

Yeah, I'm an optimist at heart, and I hope you're all right. And I shall now enjoy envisioning the right wing as a rancid zit ready to burst. Thanks!

The massive swing to the right in this country makes me split — half of me thinks that these asinine laws and such are the death throes of a conservative, ignorant, hateful, racist, sexist yesteryear and that things will correct themselves and become more free (and smarter) in the next generation; the other half of me…

Why are we talking as if guzzling pills and booze is a bad thing? How else are you supposed to get the pills down?

"Just because you have a vagina doesn’t mean you need to act like one."

I call my next cheer-leading move "the bleeding underarm."

I love this hat unequivocally. Butt me no butts!

FAIR?! Hahahahahahaaaa!

The #1 way to get photographed at Coachella is to have the ultimate accessory — Alexander Skarsgard.

Virginity doesn't grow back — I think it says that in the Bible, Arbitrary Rules 3, verses 4-5. And masturbation is like, minus eleventy million points, because you aren't supposed to feel good about anything ever.

Thank you for bringing this into my life.

She's got the dead-eyed stare of a young Laura Bush.

Big. Mac. That awesome shit will cure what ails you. It's got all the major hangover cure groups: grease, meat, cheese, bread, shame.

If women are going to be valued only by the state of their vaginas, I would like mine evaluated. How will I know where I belong on the Woman Worth scale if my financial advisor hasn't assessed my lady bits? I mean, I know I slide down a few points because I'm not a virgin, but what of elasticity, bounciness, and…

So we've got to nipple this bra thing in the bud, eh?

Hahahahaa! You'd be in such deep doo doo...

I just want one of Daenerys's outfits so I can run about in public screaming, "Where are my dragons?!" Or, when I'm at the grocery store, "Where are my pickles?!"

If you don't go, you'll feel like a real boob.