So, yesterday I was driving around and grooving to Snoop Lion's new album. It's a lot of chill reggae jams, so I was happy, though more overproduced than I care for. Miley Cyrus did okay in her cameo on Ashtrays and Heartbreaks, though obviously doing nothing to quell the dope smoking rumors.

Logic may be God, but to err is human.

What about the upper echelons of Chinese leadership? The Politburo's all 60+, but that's a room full of thick, jet-black hairdos. Seriously, you don't go grey for shit over there.

I used to have a pet frog called Michael Jordan. They don't sound like a good match, either.

Thanks for making me overthink that one as well. I'd say people never say "cow's milk," because the cow is standard, and you'd sub in goat, sheep, yak, or buffalo as necessary. As far as human milk, there's a precedent for naming things after the part of the body that produces them, like stomach acid or eye boogers.

The problem is that pop superstardom requires you to be completely up your own ass. He's less insufferable than if he went pure Kanye, so his flights of ego are all about sending his hologram to meet President Obama in order to increase child literacy.

Wow, anyone else getting a huge Kristen Stewart vibe from the Breaking Amish photoshoot?

Sofia from Golden Girls!

The why is always the mysterious part, but just about every guy has some weird and original pee-pee story he can't fully explain.

A warbler, of course.

Pray for Dourtney hashtag still in effect.

As a side note, the Daily Mail story (from yesterday's Dirtbag) Alec Baldwin was pissed about was, indeed, in error. They claimed that his wife was disrespectfully tweeting from James Gandolfini's funeral when they had actually misinterpreted the timestamps on the tweets. They scrubbed the story from their site.

Naw, this was male bonding time. I had to share one of my own pee-pee stories with him, from when I suddenly decided to start pissing in the little trash can full of tissues next to the toilet. Not too much, though, so if I really had to go I'd start in the can and finish off in the bowl. I have no idea WHY I did…

I was chilling with my little nephew a while ago, when out of the blue he was like "Have you ever peed the bed on purpose?" I thought about it for a while and told him that if I had, I can't remember, and he told me the story of how his mom told him to make sure to use the potty before bed. He said that he just…

Same here on his AWFUL column. Totally unreadable.

♪ Fornicaaaayyyyyshuuuuun, gettin' it on ♪

I just started watching "Under the Dome" the other day, so maybe we could just seal T. Swift under glass and turn her into the whorish face of DOMED America.

Maybe they troll Dirtbag. I think it could be that one burner account always quoting Leviticus in all caps.

The scientists thaw you from your cryo-chamber, you bolt upright and grab one by the lapels like MY GOD TELL ME WHAT NORTH WEST IS DOING RIGHT NOW. They're confused and think you're delirious until you finally make them understand that you're referring to Kim Kardashian and Kanye's celebrity baby. Then, they just…

What a bad idea that was, since I honestly wouldn't trust her to run a working macadamia nut farm. If that's the limit of your capabilities, I think you should honestly fuck off about being president.