Nick Lachey is clearly rocking the childless divorce. That's the one where you can be like "God, how long HAS it been since we've spoken? Five, maybe six years?" He ought to try some joint custody on for size — it'll be calls and emails every damn day like they're still hitched.

Sometimes the Gawker art department really knocks it out of the park.

Imma let you finish, Alanis Morissette's bikini bottoms, but the most masturbatory name for anything, ever, belongs to her husband, aka MC Souleye.

That pee-colored pouf in the front looks awful familiar though, and I can tell it wants to start swirling back on itself in bizarre layers.

I have to say I am digging Ivanka Trump's NeverEnding Story vibe.

It's like Speaker was just a title awarded to Newt by his own party, so what the fuck is that supposed to mean to me? What really bugs is the idea that we're all supposed to play along and it's bad manners if you don't. Don't even get me started about people like "Countess" de Lesseps and their phoney baloney…

She insists on being called "Ambassador Brinker" by her employees.

I went to a wedding with a hunting theme a couple years ago, and we all got copies of the Wild Game Cookbook at the reception. The recipe for Dove Stroganoff called for twenty dove breasts, and I was like my god, that's a massacre.

They're weirdly un-erotic. Theoretically, those kinds of snaps should be attractive, and there's no one flaw or thing she's doing wrong I can point to, but there is just ZERO sexual charisma or desirability in evidence there. Not good news for her upcoming porno.

I admit, I do have a certain fondness for crotchety old bastard authors out to fix the world. Paul Theroux is true to form in structuring his worldview around a personal antipathy for a younger, more successful, man. Fixating on Bono was a pretty inspired choice, because it's important to pick an adversary whose…

Just like when he was beefing with Drake, Chris Brown's enemies are often so shitty and unlikable themselves that it's hard to pick a side. Homeowner's associations and condo groups SUCK. Plus, his neighbors are all rich as shit, so they can immediately call up their councilman and have him officially declare their…

Right, and Rick Ross regularly raps about murdering people and selling ridiculous quantities of cocaine. Those things are "worse" than drugging your sex partner, but are otherwise completely noncontroversial and wouldn't put anybody's sponsorship deals in jeopardy. This stuff seems to be governed by its own logic.

As a reminder, he grew this mustache. Girl is not lucky in love.

Just now? Kanye's a grade-A jerk, but being married to the Hump seems like a situation where you might start screaming and never ever stop.

She should have been carrying two big bags of groceries. The bottom rips on one, spilling cans everywhere, and she slowly, uncomfortably picks them up one by one while Kanye stands there with his arms crossed, tapping his foot impatiently.

So, the celebrity wedding planner is a prostitute-obsessed sex addict? I was more impressed by the date of separation for him and his husband: New Year's Day 2013. Now THAT'S a hell of a party.

I thought that was why the car in the rearview mirror keeps high-beaming you. Anne Hathaway rises up, dagger in hand, and the light drives her back down again.

I just finished the first season of House of Cards, and Robin Wright IS Lady Macbeth.

Yep. "My dad, to my knowledge, was not a racist." Wow, talk about a ringing endorsement.

I saw the movie "42," and I remember thinking about the people cast in the role of villains, including poor Wash from Serenity who played the worst one of all. These are historical figures now, and the movie's not shy about naming names and turning those names to mud. Seriously, they were pretty awful, and I can…