This is the only Cobra I ever want to see.

I want Washington and Henson to do a bank heist film as co-directed and co-written by Guy Ritchie and Quentin Tarantino. Set it in London with Samuel L. Jackson as an American mafia don and Tom Hardy as an English crime lord looking for the women, who are some of the world greatest thieves, after they have stolen from…

Yes, as a husband of a wife, the only way we get down is non consensually.

Is anyone else disappointed that they didn’t make a bottle of, I dunno, Ogden’s Old Firewhisky or Madam Rosmerta’s Oak Matured Mead? Am I the only one who cares about accuracy in fictional liquors?

I got a letter at work yesterday from a client and it had this stamp on it. I almost died.

I remember reading about that. It’s not just that women of color are invisible, it’s that they’re seen as so disposable. And I don’t understand how if you’re a detective, and it’s your job to care and investigate these kinds of things, you just shrug this shit off. Why take the job in the first place? Why not just be…

And also too, our precious bodily fluids.

Once I left a comment describing the vagina as a self cleaning oven, and someone replied and got really pedantic about that couldn’t be technically accurate because of the mechanics of how a self cleaning oven actually works. It was... weird.

Plain chips are what you need to convey French Onion dip into your mouth

Girl. I hear you. I was like a firehose. I nearly drowned my own kid a couple of times.

I feel you about uncontrollable spraying.

Let’s talk about the creep who rummaged through Britney’s trash and the other creep who paid 60 bucks for it.

Seriously. If I’d known breast milk was so valuable as a “keepsake” I wouldn’t have hand-expressed several thousand dollars worth into that nasty port-a-potty just to relieve some of the pressure, that time I spent all afternoon and evening at a concert when my twins were 10 months old.

GIVE ME MY FUCKING KETCHUP CHIPS LAYS. Goddamn it. I don’t need these weird ass new flavors; I just need the flavor of chip that you already make to be sold in America and not cost me THIRTY DOLLARS to import from Canada.

Barring the synthetic truffle oil issue

The only way you can get a “truffle” flavor into something as cheap as potato chips is to use synthetic truffle oil, which is an abomination good people should not be forced to tolerate.

Tzatziki chips would’ve been a great idea. I’m choosing to ignore your second sentence, since the Reuben is and always will be King of Sandwiches. Fuck Italian Hoagies, I don’t get why the hell people rate them so damn highly.

I was really sad when I found out that Beck was a scientologist.

They should have gone simpler. Instead of a gyro chip, they could have done a tziziki chip. Instead of a reuben chip, they could have done Distilled Human Suffering.