Told her, "I have a place I would like to take you where I hung your grandpa."

While at the bar in the front room of the Tribeca Tavern, I noticed Mario Batali talking with a small group. As I rejoined my friends in the back room, I mentioned this sighting to my foodie friend.

Oh, I've got another! One time, I heard Bill Clinton would be up in San Francisco signing his memoir and even though it was hours away and would be a whole thing, goddamnit, I wanted my book signed by Bill Clinton.

We have a winner. Shut it down.

Better late than never, and most definitely should've posted this story sooner but here it goes. I do promise this will make you smile.

I spent an incredibly surreal Father's Day dinner seated with my parents at a table next to OJ Simpson, his older daughter, the two kids he had with Nicole Brown, his mother, and some girlfriend that was probably younger than his oldest daughter.

I wish I had a really good one. I did spend an afternoon chainsmoking and talking about my feelings with Mark Shrayber. That's a Jezestar encounter. I also met Kurt Cobain but I barely remember it because so drunk. SO DRUNK. I also met Primus while I was dressed like Alice, the maid on the Brady Bunch as if she was…

Hopefully the RZA is free to compose the proper musical accompaniment.

If this was supposed to be a joke, please edit your post and insert the funny.

Holding out for her to return in a yellow abaya, Onitsuka Tigers, and a katana in hand and deliver some righteous fucking justice.

I hope no one reports on it if they do know. I hope she's safe.

Image from the inside of Jeff Roorda's head:

Not to judge a book by its cover, but, I mean, c'mon, case closed:

IS THE WHOLE WORLD TRYING TO TROLL SANE PEOPLE?

So parch, much refresh

"Look how much coconut water from a young coconut!! Very energizing. Very good."

I have the same issue. compound this issue with the fact that MY RIGHT EYE LID DROOPS MORE THAN MY LEFT AND GETS EYELINER ALL UP IN THE CREASE SO IN FIFTEEN MINUTES I HAVE A DAMN HALF MOON MESS NO MATTER HOW THIN I MADE THE LINE BECAUSE I AM NOT SYMMETRICAL GODDAMIT.

I will try! My current method is to draw a great left eye and then give myself a pep talk, "looks great, doing great. Who's reflected in that mirror? Is that Alexa Chung? Haha, funny and pretty! Just one little eye to go, You got this".

WHAT

Hey, at least now you can masturbate without committing a mortal sin. You are only performing your wifely duties.