if it’s an existing condition, many insurance policies have a claws that prevents treatment.

It’s Famine from Good omens - forget crop failure, you can sell people canned air to eat and they’ll buy it because it’s low-cal.

Yes.

Maybe it’s nice if it’s still warm afterwards?

Sexy is a feather, obscene is the whole chicken.

Well that gave me whatever the opposite of ASMR is.

5 and 3/4ths? He’d be a full 6 if you stopped biting chunks out the poor kid.

Being a particularly...morbid type of person, before I got to the guns part, I assumed they had a lot of people die with the do not disturb sign on their doors. My husband and I were discussing the other day how long it would take people to find our bodies if we died in the house. He thought two days, I thought much…

For an administration that’s so concerned about “aliens” they are being SHOCKINGLY LAX.

Nope! Ritual suicide or gtfo.

This is the best apology so far, BY FAR...

ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn

Jane,

I’ll participate in splits only when you show me a banana.

That depends, are you on mushrooms? If you are on mushrooms, I think it would be a fine way to spend an afternoon. Otherwise, naw.

I bought some actual pet clippers at the pet store, so I can say I take my poodle to the groomers.

One of my local schools, which is pretty rough, was pondering the idea of uniforms. At a school board meeting, one of the security guards got up to speak and said [paraphrased] “I’d appreciate if you didn’t make every perp look the same on our low-def video cameras.”

Honestly, it sounds like it’s whimpering “Help me” and begging for the sweet release of death.

You could actually see them turn into eight-year-old boys over the course of the segment. So good.