But I wasn’t talking about “in the workplace.” I'm talking about finding your way back INTO the workplace. This is something I'm currently experiencing, and it sucks. So SIGH back at ya.

God dammit this kind of thing pisses me off. All of this is applicable to DADS too, right? Just like the slogans for baby products that specifically mention only the mother. “Moms Prefer Huggies!” “Choosy Moms Choose Jiff!”

A great common item to use as a weapon is a small combination lock. Set it in its locked position, palm the lock itself and slide the locked ring over your middle finger. It does damage.

One of my favorite lines in C&H, and one that has only resonated stronger with me with each passing year, is when his Uncle Max visits (in I think the first book) and he expresses concern that Calvin’s only real friend is a stuffed tiger, and Calvin’s mom says, “Oh come on, didn’t you ever have any imaginary friends…

“It’s like watching your favorite teams throw down from a packed sports bar, only with fewer dudes in sleeveless shirts elbowing you into a pit of sweat and despair so they can see better.”

Here's a mind blower: Direwolves were real things!

I am generally an upstanding member of society but I haven’t paid for cheese or butter in fucking YEARS.

I don’t think Bautista understands what a “sucker punch" is.

Also, when you're in the airport, just take sandwiches from like Starbucks and shit, and if anyone questions you for not paying just look really frazzled and say it's your first time flying with a child. Free expensive sandwiches!

Oh not in Utica, no....it's an Albany expression.

No love for Fred Savage’s The Wizard? That movie and SMB3 will always be inextricably linked in my mind. I remember sitting in the theater without ANY prior knowledge of the existence of a third Mario Brothers game, so that when they unveiled it at the end my brains exploded out of my skull. Can you imagine that level…

If you live in an area where physical goods take longer to reach you than most places, there's also a good chance you don't have reliable, lightning-fast internet also.

“12 years ago, Max Landis wasn’t a Hollywood screenwriter yet. He was just another guy writing fan-fiction..”

Is there something else other than steel that cuts oats these days? I feel like they need to stop bragging about owning a tractor or whatever.

If the Warriors lose in the Finals and become the NBA variant of the 2001 Seattle Mariners, will this knee sprain be the Warriors’ version of 9/11?

Didn’t we try this already?

Broken hand? Jerking off? Come on guys.

Why wouldn't you mention which company you worked for? As shitty as this story is I don't think you're going to be sued.

Is it weird if you’ve wanted to fuck that cartoon rabbit for 20 years? Asking for a friend.

God, that would be the ultimate graffiti train though, wouldn’t it? Your piece just be floating along the horizon, rocketing past observers. Hell yea. From the day this train debuts, I give it three months before a writer hits it.