But MY show is more IMPORTANT than YOUR LIFE. When will you people understand this? It's not rocket science. I should be able to watch a show without having to hear about life-threatening natural disasters and bullshit like that! And tomorrow, when the news talks about hundreds of people dying because they had no…

Here's what I heard is gonna happen.

Mr. Z was later overheard saying "I know you are, but what am I?"

I've said it before and I'll say it again: No dick? No peace.

Women looking at pictures of hot guys and websites devoted to that pursuit cannot possibly be a novel enough idea to warrant reporting in 2014...

The worst part of this entire shitfest of an article is at the end, when the author bemoans just how oh-so-unbearably unimportant they'd feel if they weren't connected to a celebrity in some way. Like, how fucking weak must your sense of self be to feel that way? And are we seriously supposed to feel sorry for this…

No one "deserves" a relationship or love, but everyone deserves to feel worthy of both.

Well, as long as they're keeping the graffiti under control, order will reign.

It's like celebrities are all children and we go back and forth between being proud of their accomplishments and arguing about how to raise them.

if you leave sugar in your vagina long enough you can make prison wine I hear.

Well, her mother is no one to mess with. I have seen her and her friends about town.

Beyonce's songs are not insight into her feelings. She doesn't write them.

This is the best I could find:

Oh, my God, this fan fiction: "Maybe he said something like, 'Nice way for a mother to behave.'" Jezebel, if you're going to just indulge in making shit up about celebrities, why not go all the way? MAYBE SOLANGE WAS POSSESSED BY A VENGEFUL GHOST.

Bugger the theories of Why. Cornering someone in an elevator to hit them is a dick move, no matter who does it.

You know how every week, you guys trash tabloid articles for making wild accusations based on "body language" and unnamed sources? I DOUBT THE VERACITY OF YOUR CLAIMS, JEZEBEL!

Seriously the Solange Elevator attack is to Jezebel what Flight 370 is to CNN.

I think Solange was behind on Game of Thrones and Jay-Z told her who killed Joffrey. We can't prove that this isn't the case, right? It's seriously just as plausible as anything else here.

I cannot help but be reminded that anytime there is a fight between your sister and your man, it is also — inextricably — about you.