"I had a lapse last week" means accidentally leaving your keys in the fridge after getting groceries, not advocating for 21st century Jim Crow legislation.

A guy held the door open for me the other day and I immediately invited him over so that he could fuck my wife and make me a cuckold.

No, just no.

We may not approve of the methods they used to get there, but hey, in the end all that matters is that they can put Olympic Halfpipe Champion on their resumes.

Alec Baldwin is less sad if you imagine Jack Donaghy saying the things that come out of his mouth.

"I won't be in tomorrow, Lemon, I'm being subpoenaed by the Gay Department of Justice."

"People seem to be afraid to actually go out and be different. Instead they seek out a "counter culture" where they can be differentwith a group."

Who wears suits? Sounds like he's working for the man, man.

Does the word "hipster" even mean anything anymore?

So, if you have children because you wanted children, you are likely just as satisfied with your life as a friend who does not have children because he or she did not want to have them.

I mean, I'm a jerk about "alternate medicine", but I thought the mostly what Sara was calling out was her friend's belief that her training made her friend more spiritually advanced than your average person. I think it's necessary to call this kind of thing out whether or not you believe in spiritualist stuff like…

Bieb's mother weirds me out. I get that the pride and maternal love she must feel is like everything, but she always comes across as so worshipful. I hate seeing parents thank for their children for their mere existence, you know?

Figure skating judges are corrupt? No!

I do like Anne Hathaway, there's always a place in my sick day movie rotation for Ella Enchanted, but she has NOTHING on Tilda.

Swinton also has heaps and heaps of personality—something Hathaway distinctly lacks.

The Greatest Thinker of Our Time.

I WOULD LIKE TO DOPPEL AS BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

"Hey, this girl isn't putting out. I should marry her." — said no man EVER. /Seth Meyers voice

Re Exhibit B. No man ever thought: "This girl isnt putting out - I should marry her!"