Yeah, why was there so much murder in that tiny little town? I'm starting to think Jessica Fletcher was the one who murdered everybody so she could solve the crimes.

Even though Mrs. Phlebitis is seeing someone else now, we are still living in the same house because she lost her job. We get along well enough, but it makes moving on difficult. I'm very sensitive to rejection these days. I even get sad when people don't rec my comments on Gawker sites.

Holy shit, you've constructed a sentence where your and you're could be used interchangeably.

Whatever happened to the days when all that mattered was having a person who understood your crazy?

I really, really hate it when people say shit like, "let's explore each other" instead of just getting to the point and saying, "let's fuck." I mean, "explore" sounds like you're completely clueless about human anatomy and you're hovering over a nude person with a fucking compass, taking measurements and notes.

I still do them, but let's be honest here.

I'm not having kids, but my future dachshund will be named something like Viscount Leopold Rupert Higgensbottom III. He will be called Lippy or something daily and only by his full name/title when he wees on the furniture.

I pass by the Equinox in San Francisco everyday on my way to work. This location prominently display these banners. I always thought they were beyond absurd. None of them even have the slightest theme of fitness. They all say cocaine-fueled Vegas party to me.

Women have always worked, especially in pre-industrial times. The only population of women that ever didn't work were the gentry/nobles/rich who were afforded the "luxury" of being "ladies." Otherwise, women have always toiled in the fields with the men, brothers, husbands, whomever. That's always been life since…

And also be totally willing to spend a huge amount of time and money (which your male colleagues are not asked to spend) to perform a proscribed, conformist version of femininity!

In other words, their advice is: 1. Have money. 2. Don't not have money. 3. Be attractive. 4. Don't be unattractive.

Yep. That IS all I need to know. But if I needed to know more, I could just think: lady thinks it's a good idea to drag around an organ that is no longer useful and let it rot next to her newborn for almost a week. Because that's what the chimps do.

If you keep the placenta attached because chimpanzees do it, does that mean I can fling my poop at you when we disagree?

*internet hug*

Combine it with 50 Shades of Grey and Eat Pray Love, and The Hunger Games.

So much yuck. His debit card was approved for the purchase, he showed ID, the store made its money.

Some people are such assholes.

Is the answer John Mayer?