Study after study shows that the elderly enjoy throwing babies into pools of sharks.

Careful, if a woman makes you 300 sandwiches, you have to marry her.

Best response to the actual AMA:

As a terrible looking dude in a sea of terrible looking dudes trying to date way the hell above our paygrades, the first letter writer should encourage her friend to reach for the fucking stars. The double-standard here is more than a little atrocious. Peter Griffin<Lois Griffin. The dude from the King of Queens…

That might be the best story ever. My family has a grand tradition of tricking children into buying and wrapping their own Christmas presents under the guise of "gift for someone else" so I sort of respect your brother's initiative.

I always think I would never admit to being from the future, because I'd end up being all "so there's things called engines, and they move shit by...sparks? And there's flying metal birds where things turn? Listen, ask me about Friends. I can tell you anything about Phoebe Buffay. Very important world leader."

Anyone who actively enjoys American cheese should be treated with mistrust and fear.

He obviously does—Hobby Lobby is closed every Sunday, too. It is the day of rest, after all, not for finding sponge brushes and acrylic paints. Heathens, the lot of you! Go back to the seventh layer of hell, Michaels, where you belong!

Hey Miley, I'm not even remotely bored....

They missed a great pun there: Running from the Raptorure - like rapture? It sounded a lot funnier in my head.

Ok I'm not the only one here who also had a Judge Judy moment.

What happens if you come home and find it's all wilted?

Joe Giudice is the living embodiment of the way I feel after eating too much at lunch.

no, that's the smile of someone who has had too much work done, duhhh. that is not her original face in any way.

Really, the key to a good relationship is two bathrooms. That way me and my boo can both have terrible wine-shits in the morning and take as long as we like. #truelove

"Hey you wanna get high? This stuff is so good it will melt your face off!"

No blush wine? If I recall, the main character blushed, flushed and was nonplussed throughout most of the book.