Bored White People: Ruining America one Open Bar at a Time.

Bipolar here. I'm 43 and was only diagnosed two years ago. I've been fortunate to have a husband and friends who stuck with me for many years, but boy did I put them all through the ringer. All I could do was explain my diagnosis, apologize for finally recognizing my previous behaviors for what they really were,…

Because she runs the world. THE WORLD. Before world leaders make any decisions they ask themselves, "What would Beyonce do?" and then they call her.

My dinner comes with a fruit cup appetizer! Why is the restaurant trying to sabotage me? Do I eat it with the tiny fork it came with or do I quickly slam it back like a shot of tequila? Oh God. I think I'll just dump it in my lap and hide it in my napkin.

One of my grandmothers, before she passed, was convinced the mailman was stealing her mail, only to deliver it to her a day or two later than she'd expected it. So she'd get mail every day, but she said it was two days behind. When I asked her what she thought he was doing with her mail she said,"I don't know,…

Appropriate use of swear words: When the tip of a finger is crushed like mine was yesterday. Glad the windows were closed because I was yelling some swears.

I might. Is it a clown funeral?

"Down there" is not sexy talk. Nor is calling someone "sexy" dirt talk.

No, because there will still exist people like my mom who buys the magazines because she only uses the Internet to send me an endless stream of e-cards.

\o/

Is the Holistic Stick something I can just pick up in my own yard, or does GOOP recommend one for less than $400?

I'm two years younger than her.

Dirty Pirate Hooker Super PAC is mine, everybody.

I have no problems with my male gyno. He always has his nurse in the room anyway. I suppose I could go see the ONE female gyno in my area, but she's never taking new patients. Sometimes you gotta make due.

I agree. Being true to yourself is healthy, and that includes people who know their sexuality is fixed.

Whenever I get frustrated with something I'm going to say, "Oh my fucking god, Phyllis!"

I always figured there was more going on in that van. Like selling degrees for cash. And maybe palm reading.

I should have sued my mom for malpractice when she didn't take me in for stitches when I split my skin open just under my left eyebrow. I thought I put my eye out, she said, "It's FINE," I have a nice jagged scar and I'm lucky it didn't get infected.

Soon to be featured in Forlorn Waif Weddings.

This reminds me of the time my brother wanted to sue Arnold Schwarzenegger for The Terminator because it was based on his life. Then he said his girlfriend was a time-traveling witch and I said, "That's not the plot to The Terminator AT ALL."