Not everyone is on Reddit. I know. That sounds unpossible.

I see we're no longer overreacting to "Jolie Leg."

Leo is NEVER getting his Oscar now.

He's My Dad's Accountant on top and 70's Swinger's Club on the bottom. She's Preppy Mom on top and Teen Angst on the bottom. Who ARE these people?

I think I'm an I Don't Care, I'll Do What I Want Bitch. Because I can go to Starbucks without analyzing the ever living fuck out of it.

Yeah? Well I can tell my dogs "no" and they don't storm off screaming that they hate me.

Some of those are so BUSY. It's like my teenage closet from the 80s threw up a dress.

Has there been a What Kind of Sex Toy Are You? quiz yet?

Oh. Yeah, that's a good point.

I've always enjoyed the church's strong-arm emphasis on traditional marriage and family, but then they freak out if it's suggested that Jesus had one. Wouldn't it further cement their stance if they could go around saying, "See? Even JESUS was married to a woman and had kids and we should all follow Jesus' example."?

If I see one more inspirational quote tacked onto a picture of a sunset I'm going to hang myself.

"Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!"

Seriously. WE HAVE PROOF AND SHIT.

Independent birdcage wall decals, paid for by your parents.

You shut up, Mara Wilson. I'm besties with every celebrity who favorites something I say to them. So...two celebrities.

I can't believe that with my barrel full of useless celebrity knowledge, I can't think of one actress who dated a costar and dumped him right after filming, has one kid, and may be into psychics.

See? It's so common I wonder why we make such a big deal about it at all. On the one hand, no it's not shameful. On the other, do you have to announce to the world that you just did something that humans have been doing since there have been humans?

Today I've seen Miley 99.8% nude AND fully clothed in pot-themed footie pajamas. What a crazy time we live in.

I'M CLUTCHING MY PEARLS. I cannot leave the house again without a Krysten Ritter wig.

"Kids, here's 4,576 minutes of how I met your mother, though most of it has nothing to do with how I actually met her or our many near-misses. But in the end, we met, we had the two of you and then she died. The end."