Oh God, I'll never get it right!

So according to her current lifestyle, we should marry boring and successful early, have a couple of kids, then divorce him, have our brilliant carreers, and date the fun, funny, sexy men we wanted in the first place? What?

Yeah, you guys won't be laughing when you go to Target to try on this swimsuit and it makes part of your crotch disappear.

Eegads. Had my mother helped plan my wedding it would have been full of things I liked in 1983, because she's never quite grasped the fact that I'm no longer 13.

Double fuck yes.

Daaaamn. I wish I could draw.

The triple X indicates to me that they will also allow me to see these people naked.

See? They're planning someting wonderful for you, too!

Thanks to Jezebel I have so many boyfriends and BFFs I feel like the richest woman alive. I'm sure none of them are returning my calls because they're busy planning something wonderful for me.

Stacy Keibler married her boyf, tech entrepreneur Jared Pobre.

It'll become it's own college course!

British commedian who died in 1998 at age 91. His famous line is, "Take my wife, please!"

"Grow up!" - Thurston Moore & My Mom

Chevy: We'll Outlive Everything You Love.

You get a whole five minutes of entertainment out of those things? That amazes me.

Gwyneth Paltrow the person I always liked. Gwynthe Paltrow the brand is an asshole.

I hate to break this to you, but you're not old. I've seen old, and 58 isn't it. But then I've been listening to my mother call herself old for all 43 years of my life. Know what's old? Listening to a non-old person constantly say they're old.

Cosmo's biggest sex secret they don't want you to know!: Get some Armor All and a shammy and buff that penis. BUFF IT HARD UNTIL IT SHINES. He'll love it!

I'm not hopeful that anything will happen. They'll each serve like 30 days and Bravo will give them their own spinoff show focusing on what their life is like as convicted felons.

Know what would make the Oscars more entertaining and interesting? If there weren't awards given out ALL THE TIME. It feels like once the Oscars are over, the next award season begins. It never ends. Matthew McConaughey was nominated 27 times for Dallas Buyer's Club and already walked into the Oscars with 12 wins for…