Maybe he'll marry Eyelet and they'll have a baby Eyeore Bunderblast Colostomy.

Fuck it, I'm Cherokee too. My dad once had a very vivid dream that he was a Native American warrior and was drowned by an enemy tribe, so that makes us Cherokee, right? I'm also claiming relation to Mary Queen of Scotts which gives me a Double Princess Bonus. BOOM! In your face, Ireland!

You say "cocaine-fueled Vegas party" and somewhere Terry Richardson is dropping his pants. He doesn't immediately know why, but in his lizard brain knows someone has spoken his language.

If you ask my dad, born in 1945, we freed ourselves from our alien overlords with a good old fashioned rebellion and then BAM it was the 1950s and women wore form-fitting skirts to the office and men listed to The Beatles and cars weren't made out of plastic and Wonder Bread was the greatest invention ever. IT WAS THE…

The Book of Jezebel: E is for Everything Lena Dunham Says is Brilliant

My dad almost became a priest, then he met my mother. He left the church because when he wanted to marry her in his beloved church they told him absolutely not. Because she was divorced with three kids. He thought that was bullshit and now enjoys pointing out all of the Bible's contradictions to dinner guests.

Yes, I'm sure Ms. Johansson is flattered. Who wouldn't be? "I'd take a life just to stick my dick in you." SWOON

Also, have the legs to pull off a skirt since pants are unacceptable.

While it's been pointed out how sheltered Julianne Hough was growing up, she's an adult now and has been on her own for awhile, yes? And am I really to believe that there is not one person in her private or professional circle who could look at her and say, "Oh, honey. No."? Not one?

Married and three kids. I didn't know either!

It's going to be hilarious when white conservative women, who assume these voting issues don't apply to them because they're white, go to vote and their name doesn't match a printout. I can hear it now: "But my name is First Name, Middle Name, Married Name and not First Name, Maiden Name, Married Name!"

You're not alone in your feelings of discouragement. Let's hug.

It's because no one cares what Boomers are doing with their genitals. Don't they get enough attention as it is? Telling them they can't or shouldn't be doing something is exactly the types of fights they love to have.

Why is Ramona Singer strangling that dog? Is it because it's cuter than she is?

Or they'll just start a volunteer program and hire bored retired people to do work for them like hospitals do.

I love that gif. How can I not love that gif?

Sometimes, whether I'm driving in traffic or trying to navigate through a grocery store, I think: "Goddamn there are a lot of people everywhere." Will it really hurt humanity to lower our birth rates for awhile?

So did she name it Barnes or Noble?

Is this a surprise? Should I find my Surprised Face and put it on?

I'm not a Duggar! I swear there are only four of us in our family. Pinky swears!