If I'd been a boy, I'd be Jeffrey.

If my mom hadn't gone to school with a Jennifer whom she hated, I'd have been named Jennifer. Instead, I got Julie.

My brother had his own set problems and we're estranged now, but I will always remember the time he took me with him to the gas station with a gas can and taught me how to fill it with gas.

How do we even know aliens HAVE vibes?

Finally! Someone else who understands that when I say I find Miley's behavior boring, I'm not being secretively jealous of her young hot body or a "hater." I'm truly, honest to God BORED.

We've been together 15 years. I'm sure. Just like he's sure that I'm "meh" on receiving oral sex. Honest communication. It works.

I blame the Cold War. Americans have been conditioned from birth to believe that if you call something Socialism then you should be terrified of it and kill it...after you hide under your school desk with your hands over your head.

"...You need to give your husband a blow job every day. ..."

I read that as Judge Judy and thought, "Of course she did."

Ooooohhhhhh. I didn't think about that. Thank you!

I don't get the part about "suddenly dropping the ball on important events (birthday parties, gatherings, etc)..." what does this mean? He's tasked with bringing a birthday cake and doesn't show up so there's no cake for the event? He's supposed to bring paper plates to the cookout and doesn't bring them? Maybe he's…

I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for ruining everything forever.

I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for ruining everything forever.

"Oof, I've Joe Giudiced myself."

"Miley Cyrus I just got into, but I haven't been able to keep up with her as much. There's just a lot of her walking around mostly naked. I'm trapped in her public display of sexual discovery, and the nakedness is driving me crazy... Like, we get it. You're sexual. Do you really need a whole two-minute music video of…

This is not the smile of a happy person.

Julia Roberts* aged out. Meg Ryan did unspeakable things to her face. Jennifer Aniston has gotten too old. Kate Hudson has gotten too old. Audiences didn't like Katherine Heigl. Part of me feels like Hollywood is simply waiting for the next cute white blonde woman they can shove into every romcom they can come up with…

"Lauren, right now you're at an 11, and I need you down to about a 5." -Lauren's unfortunate roommate, every day, because Lauren is abusing Adderall.

And your genius has in turn...done something to my own opinion, which is just as valid as yours! All these burst bubbles...I mourn their demise.

It's her body and her heritage. She can do whatever the hell she wants to with either one.