I teased a girl in kindergarten. This was in 1974 and I STILL remember the look on her face as my friends and I said horrible things to her. I never did it again even though my "friends" began bullying me to join in. Then we moved away. I wish I could remember that girl's name because I would track her down if I could.

I've run into a few younger people with weird monotone voices which I don't understand. If you're exposed to tv, movies, music and other people, how do you have no inflection in your voice when you speak?

He's so perfect. He's been sent here to destroy me, I'm certain of it.

So Charlie Hunnam and Dakota Johnson are going to be the next Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson? Because that's what I feel like is happening as the people involved with this movie keep waving their chemistry in my face.

You must be a nevernude, Doug Barry.

So Bret Easton Ellis, the man who had his own whiney fuckfest about the casting of 50 Shades of Grey, is bitching about the dumbing down of culture?

And since I've never breastfed, I'm at risk for breast cancer. At this point, I'm wondering what DOESN'T cause breast cancer or put me at higher risk.

Can't we just throw them into a Thunderdome where the M. Night twist is that neither of them get out alive?

Republicans: We love bureaucratic bullshit paperwork?

I read that as: "Is this A News?" my cat just puked. "No," I replied. And I liked it much better.

One of my oldest friends, who was maid of honor at my wedding, read all of these books practically in one sitting. I find myself having to reevaluate this friendship, because really...we're traveling shockingly different reading paths. I forgave her Twilight because she's such an old friend (since 1973!) but this. …

I can understand the confusion with the headline, given how Jezebel is in love with everything Lena Dunham does. She's a white female Woody Allen! Or someone!

Some day people will be recognized for being who they are, not who they remind the media of. Or maybe we can swing things the other way? Let's describe someone as the "White Jamie Foxx" and see what happens.

I like to make sure everyone knows what I'm doing. Thursday I have my annual exam. I'm going to stand in our cul-du-sac and yell, "HEY Y'ALL, I'M GOING TO GET A PAP SMEAR AND GET REMINDED IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER MAMMOGRAM!"

Yes, Miley, I've seen your tongue. I do not care for it.

That's a terrible schedule. Packing all of that stuff right after lunch when feeling sleepy? I hope they bought some 5 Hour Energy.

I will never understand how homosexual people living their lives in monogamous relationships are "destroying families" like gay Godzillas just stomping around, crushing heterosexual family units under their big scaly feet. Or something.

All of this "vagina refers to inside and outside lady parts" business on Oprah and her ridiculous "Va-Jay-JAAAYYYYY" nonsense.

Not every popular book should be made into a movie. I have no idea how they're going to make this happen.

Yeah...one grandmother died when I was a child so I didn't know her. My other grandmother was a God-fearing, teatotalling, racist, rock music-hating woman who referred to sex as a "duty." It wasn't hard to do something she disapproved of. Open toed sandals after school started? I may as well have been wearing halter…