Are there any companies left that DO test on animals? For a bachelor like me, life is much easier when my dogs and I can use the same shampoo.

Want to see how easy this is to disprove? Watch this.

No it doesn't!

BAM! Your turn now, LIEberal media.

Hey, those bins around here do help the homeless a lot! Granted, they use them as bathrooms, but that helps some.

He was one step short of true manliness. I will only eat meat from an animal that could eat me.

Wow, I went to Maryland Boys State, and it was a fantastic experience. This is a fucking joke.

We met when she headbutted me in a mosh pit and I bleed all over her. That still remains my longest and most successful relationship.

That is a lot of Dio flags there.

Hooray for the good kind of eugenics!

Thank god I skipped the whole metrosexual manscaping thing! Now that MANHOOD is back, I can start to sell all of mine I had horded through the early 2000s. Who wants some back hair here, gents?

This is evolutionary plumage type thing. Tight pants show that a man is either infertile or unable to care for children. Loose pants, however, show that a man is down to breed.

I am sure that, like one of my ex-girlfriends, the animal would sense her deep connection to Mother Gaia and not harm her. I mean, it didn't work for my ex when she was fucked up by some geese, but maybe lions are closer to the planet.

Her face looks exactly like my middle brother's, if only we could ever get him to wash it.

This is why intelligent, articulate and interesting people who are still ugly as fuck like me can succeed in the dating world.

I was extremely lucky. The military taught me a skill that is incredibly in demand in the civilian world, then when I reached the point where I could not advance without a degree, the GI Bill paid for it. Thankfully, despite my hubris in all other aspects of my life, I realize that it was pure luck, not ability,…

"My parents are totally able to afford my mortgage, I don't know why all my peers have trouble doing it!" Gods, my neighbor is exactly that. He hasn't worked ever, because he is waiting for his novel to "realize" (his exact word). I despise him with the intense burning passion of a thousand suns.

Why don't these people just do what I did to get out of my parents house? I am 29 and own my own home. All it takes is a fucking ton of luck and random coincidences!

I want a passive martial artist movie. "You will find that your passive-aggressive style is no match for my actually-very-physically-aggressive style!"

Any decade in which it is not socially acceptable for a man to wear a kilt everywhere. So, almost all of them, I guess?

SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!

Me and my roommate started a hutch, already got one picked for the stew pot this weekend!