Hey.

No Blake, the ultimate white boy name, sadly. Though Naseem isn't your typical white boy name, kinda curious about that one.

If you replace references to tits with dick, you pretty much get texts from the average gay guy.

"It's a bit like being a woman in America before the 19th Amendment."

Well in Kim's case her worth is her beauty and her mother's inexplicable ability to turn a sex tape into a media empire, so it seems like a fair thing to critique to me.

Uh oh, looks like you're trying too withholding, likely to hide something. DOUBLE FIRED - BLACKLISTED!

Meh, this is less offensive to me than when people try to figure out if you "fit the office environment" based on how you answer a couple of riddles, or if you're wearing a red tie on a Thursday or any of that nonsense.

The alternate headline "NBC Censors a Word We Assume Was Abortion Even Though All Evidence Points to it Being Something Else So This Article is Completely Pointless" exceeded the character count, so it wasn't used.

Who the hell schedules their big march on a Thursday afternoon?

Man, I could really, really, use some coc...cookies. Yeah, cookies.

I really don't see how the get to the first degree level of child cruelty:

That's some full on Philip K. Dick level messed up.

Do you really think anyone that achieves that much clout would actually want to change the system they have so much power in?

The most brilliant election plan in recent history; refuse to say if your actually running or not, but do all of the things you would do if you were running. That way you can bypass any of those pesky laws about Equal Time and win votes by sheer presence!

Let's be fair, frotting was totally legal under that law. So Alabama wasn't all bad!

You know how I know he's lying? He says Days of Future Past is going to be a "fantastic film".

Wow a whole 3 tablespoons! Give them 8 more of those and you'll have a whole can!

I had a professor who would suggest we should leave the class and take a half hour lunch break in the middle of our exams. He even had restaurant suggestions too.

But Colton Burpo told me that Jesus' wounds bleed forever. Must be some nasty pancakes...

There's probably some joke to be made about how Joan Rivers hasn't been relevant since before they were kidnapped, but since I'm not Joan Rivers I won't make it.