Yeah, this is true. Leave my cervix alone, long penises. That is not for you. That is mine. Do not touch. Thank you.

yo, big wangs hurt. Like, I can feel it in my uterus and that is just so wrong. Get out of my no man's land, wang. do. not. want.

Also in "Why Not?"

Reporting on something that turns out not to be true is entirely different from deliberate deception, and you damn well know it — you just wanted to be a snotty little shit and get in your shot at Jezebel. Also, please show me where I've reported a hoax as fact even once on Kitchenette.

"Actual" satire?

Not to mention 'hit up' and 'stateside'. *delicate shudder*

Well, you certainly picked up the lingo over there. "Store"!!!?? "carrying"???? When did "shop" and "in stock" go out of style? Fie I say, fie!!!

I am in a listicle mood today, so:

Once I was at my friend's apartment and I was really drunk. I crawled out on his fire escape and I noticed the hot guy who lived upstairs was out, so I crawled up another level.

Well, he wasn't British (or if he was, he'd been in the US long enough to lose his accent).

You stupid motherfucker, it's Piglio Griglio.

Canadian milk?

Um.

I was at a gourmet pizza place about 10 years ago, stuck behind a lady who ended up causing a huge scene.

"You really shouldn't call it a bowl if you aren't going to put soup in it!"

EVEN THE SUPER BOWL HAS SOUP IN IT JUST CHECK THE CAMPBELL ADS

WHAT ARE PURPLE?

Nothing worse than linguinies that are picked too soon. Grilling them more won't even make them tender.

Ugh, some of these employees have so much attitude. If you're unwilling to do things just because they're logically impossible, maybe customer service isn't for you.

This makes me want to set up a fake (or is it?) Yelp account and just proclaim on as many places as I can, "THEY WOULDN'T LET ME MASTURBATE." Just to see what happens.