If this were reddit, I would give you gold for ethics in otter journalism.

Yes, I think that is the idea. You're already making a shitty wage, not enough hours, unpredictable hours, trying to support yourself or a family, and you can't even get a day off. And why? Because people want to buy shit. Medical emergencies don't stop for the holidays, but there's no real reason people have to shop…

I'm just gonna throw this out there: buying online means people are working around the clock, on holidays, in fulfillment centers/warehouses for you, too.

I simply cannot with this otter. I need a baby otter. I will be the best otter mommy ever.

(Full disclosure: Grimes and I know each other, and worked for the same newspaper at different times.)

What number should we call to report celebrity photoshops - 811? Is 8 the number with the most perfect body of all numbers?

HELLO 911 YES A FEMALE CELEBRITY USED PHOTOSHOP

Our family dog is 15 and also a long plane ride away. The past couple Thanksgivings/Christmases, I've had a huge fear of her dying while I'm on the plane, literally hours from giving her a hug.

THIS.

I need No-Red guy to go on a date with Allergic-to-Crunchy woman.

I like my gratuity grilled until it's tender. Please remember that for next time.

I am now on the otter beat. I am Jezebel's otter editor.

Mine isn't either. Guess I am too.

I'm sending good vibes your way, hoping $200 falls from the sky.

Yeah, I'd lean towards "confuse" over "alarm" myself. Especially the ones involving Legos.

forgive me father, for i have sinned with you

Don't worry, Jesus forgives you. He is like the ultimate "Get out of Jail Free card"

(NOTE: The church and its affiliates do not guarantee the Jesus "Get out of Jail Free card". Your experience may vary. Please pray responsibly)

Hey but never forget:

Charles Dickens.