Someone please update me because I don’t have TV so won’t be watching: has Bruce Jenner now requested female pronouns? A female name?

WHAT??? That is so distinctly unCanadian. I’d have expected an apology from the airline, the baby, and the nation. Sorry, America. I jumped to conclusions.

BECAUSE POTATO SALAD GUY WAS AN ENTREPRENEUR LIVING THE DREAM BUT THIS MOOCHING BABY SHOULD PULL ITSELF UP BY ITS UMBILICAL CORD BOOTSTRAPS

FYI, y’all, I was sexting the new squeeze last night and all I could think about was your grim sexts. Thanks for killing my buzz.

That was my takeaway from this. I couldn’t watch it all because screeching,

I can’t wrap my head around this. Was her dress so heavy it pulled her under - in which case, wtf? How heavy can a dress be? Or is she a poor swimmer- in which case, wtf why would you do that, lady?

Honey, you’re asking questions which assume I know the workings of the mind of a man who sends flaccid dick pics.

AFTER. NO I DO NOT KNOW WHY.

The dude that sent me a flaccid dick pic accompanied by “suck thy flesh, zoo” hasn’t been immortalized on this list? Pssh. Maybe he secretly runs Jezebel.

I hear I’m cute, so maybe I’ll stick with it.

You, good sir, are an evil genius. I asked in jest and yet you delivered. Like a sir.

You lost me at ‘seed’ (ACK), but I too use ‘come’ as a verb and ‘cum’ as a noun.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t see D. Could you walk me through it? Are the cold and unseeing eyes on the head?

I’m picturing a bro answering all of these with “butt stuff!” in increasingly frustrated tones, before finally getting so confused he gives up and takes a nap.

Oh! [me], how I’d work over your pulsing, protruding, proud, penis, delivery a slippery, sloppy, slow, satisfying suck sermon before submitting and sluttlily serving my quivering hole up for you to administer as you see fit. You must have a sinister mister capable of making gapable the most insatiable boy holes.

“Pound town” is my other favourite. My phone autocorrects it to all-caps and I’m glad, because, honestly, why cordially invite a gentleman to poundtown when instead you can say “choo choo hop aboard the train to POUNDTOWN”?

I, too, love the cock.

SHE WOULD.

I regret that I do not know a Queen of Raptors in real life (I know a Countess of Tyrannosaurs; are you related?), so I doubt it. However, I’d love to know her secret. I feel like I just perpetually walk around with a sign on my back that says “enjoys dick pics, ESPECIALLY unsolicited”.