He is like 6'3", 270lbs and has blue eyes and a beard. I'd have had sex with the flaccid penis itself if that was possible.

I first read that as 'jiggalo', as in 'gigolo' spelled incorrectly, but holy shit, a Juggalo is much more shameful.

I am so sorry to do this to you, dude, but you turned out to be kind of a fucker.

Be my friend? I love them, but none of my friends use them.

I wish Jezebel would do a "worst way you received a dick pic" pissing contest. I would win.

Fortunately, I speak fluent FuckingShitstainDouchecanoe (thanks to my ex-husband), and can provide a full translation for you:

Ooh ooh and ALSO! Another different dude:

Oooh ooh ALSO! Different dude, at 5:30 on a Sunday morning:

My weirdest roommate was once my best friend, and turned out to be Roommate From Hell. She moved in after our previous roommate moved out without giving us any notice, leaving us unable to afford our rent. Her lease was up anyway, and she was my best friend, so it made sense.

I love a nice solicited dick pic. An email the day I split from my husband saying "Sorry to hear" and a huge embedded picture of a penis, not so much. Especially when I open it at work.

Reason number 1001 why reeeeaaaally hope my daughter never joins a sorority.

I think it's about - as touched on in this article - scripture. It may sound obvious, but the Bible is full of passages about the importance of faith. Your prayers won't be answered unless you have faith. If you have faith that Jesus died for your sins, you're going to heaven. Etc, etc. So you're supposed to believe…

Lol! Perfection.

I love the Royal Family but I had to give you a star for "I am a subject of a baby".

Those cheeks are, like, a crime.

I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS AND AM SQUEEING UNCONTROLLABLY BECAUSE SOMEHOW IT'S MORE ADORABLE THAT HE GETS ACTUAL STUFF HE CAN USE THAN LIKE 'OH HI SMALL CHILD YOU KNOW WHAT'S PERFECT FOR YOU? A RUBY-ENCRUSTED SWORD'.

I was hoping someone would know exactly how it's done. Can you fill us in?

Aaaw bless you. I never would have guessed!

He was a raging tool. He discovered he liked Guinness and suddenly thought himself an Expert in All Things Ale.* He was the type of guy who'd ask a waiter if they could serve his beer in a stein and then go into a long description of why a stein was better and how in Europe** they only ever serve beer in a stein***…

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