I used to work in the music industry, so I got to meet a lot of celebs. I worked a Rolling Stones record in the mid-late 90's and went backstage for the ensuing tour. The label representative intoduces me to Mick Jagger and as Mick goes to shake my hand, I jerk it back and do the line from the movie "My Favorite Year"…

I was once in line for a movie and noticed Laura Linney was in front of me in line. Then I looked behind me and saw Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, and Susan Sarandon being BFFs (with each other, Laura Linney was not invited to their party).

He's a huge twat! For example, he got a tattoo to commemorate Miley Cyrus' dead dog, even though at 54 he is wayyy too old for that nonsense. Also, I saw the Flaming Lips a couple years ago and he was twatting up a storm. He was all petulant and needed constant validation from the crowd and he was prancing around like…

The use of "females" instead of "women" drives me up the motherfucking wall.

Everything she says is pretty much the opposite of what she thinks she's saying. That is, if she has any idea of what she thinks she might be saying. I imagine the words in her head are like lottery balls.

*applause* Standing ovation for connecting the dots between Miss Failed Alaska and Miss Failed South Carolina! Lesson learned, folks: Quit asking pageant-monkeys to string unscripted sentences together.

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should…

THANK YOU.

I'm sorry but you're wearing the wrong shade of pearls, I'm going to need you to go home and change ASAP.

I mean, you start going too light and you're ending up in 'mint' territory, and everyone knows that mint isn't teal. Duh. This is just like, basic logic.

If everyone kept asking me about my ex-husband ten years later, I'd lose my shit.

Not sure what's more cringeworthy: showing up to your crush's soccer game to be a one-man clarinet-playing pep band or showing up in this comments section to seriously complain about how stuck-up women just don't appreciate romantic gestures.

i wanna try spanx. but like, as an actual plus sized person with an apple shape they are just gunna roll down. i know it. I KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN ANNA AND IT'S BAD.

Wow. You might want to go see a therapist.

I got to:

OK I had to stop after the one about the kid's dad driving him to a soccer game so he could play pep songs on his clarinet. I hope that dad was sitting in his car laughing his ass off, otherwise there is no excuse for not talking his son out of it.