My sister buys shampoo with a gluten free label. Shampoo. Like maybe people are worried secret gluten will attack their brain through their hair.

A guy at a party once informed me (a Muslim woman) that I wear a hajeeb, and that a story about the prophet Muhammad is called a “fatwa.” And he would NOT BACK DOWN.

“’Ow many plates you got here, colonel?” *smash*

My favorite is, “You’re all out of strawberries? But I came ALL THE WAY HERE.”

I work at a farmer’s market. We’re basically a small barn in the middle of an empty fill lot on the side of the highway. People are ALWAYS asking me if I “have any in the back.” That, or “Do you grow all this out back?”

God is dead, and we have killed him (with a footlong turkey club).

I have this theory that cheeseburgers are the perfect food. Like, nutritionally. You got your protein in the patty, then the carbs in the bun. You got some veggies in the toppings, and cheese for dairy. Add a slice of cherry pie for fruit and that’s the whole pyramid, baby!

But Jupiter is my favorite! :(

Very much my feeling on the matter.

I’ll be honest, the only reason I want to see this movie at all is the two of them.

I saw a preview for this movie in the theaters yesterday, and when the trendy hip hop started up I think a part of my soul died.

And then they come to my greenhouse and ask me to tell them about “the plants.”

Last I knew, the monks raise and train German Shepherds. They’ve also published several excellent dog training manuals.

Yeah, all I can think about this is that the Japanese bathe together naked all the time. It’s like, a national pastime. Yet they somehow managed to get it together enough to have a functional economy and everything.

Nooo! Don’t fight Nicholas, J-Lo! I was going to invite you both to my elegant imaginary tea party for beautiful people. :(

The only Miranda I need...

Be “empowered”! Take this one day and make it special, by watching something you want to watch, instead of watching sports that your man put on! Like you do every other day! Probably! Empowered! You have literally never seen anything other than what other people have chosen for you! Your enfeebled female arms are too…

And (interesting trivia) the summer sumo tournament is on for the next two weeks.

Basically he is not Heath Ledger, and he’s not trying to be Heath Ledger, but everyone is still angrily slamming their bedroom doors and shouting “YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD!”