Coinidentally, I heard that Magic Johnson owns a miniature schnauzer named Juicer.

Looks like Oddibe McDowell forgot to pay his bill again.

This is exactly why I only shop on Amazon nowadays.

The Army hasn’t seen a leap like that since it rolled into Iraq searching for WMDs.

Oh fuck it, here’s a +1 to make it 1,393,459,201

What do you mean? We’ve seen Thanos in multiple movies! He’s, uh, clearly going to do something evil at some point.

Ah yes, the bar where I peed next to a Badgers football player who was saying, as a girl appeared to be grabbing his junk, “It’s not coming out because you’re squeezing it too tight.”

Looks like Tyson Gay’s baton exchange isn’t the only rookie mistake Philly fans got to see today.

“Now he droppin’ and yellin’, it’s a tad bit late.” -Nate Dogg’s ghost, on Warren G’s singing

Yes, this is more or less how I feel. It’s all speculative bullshit, but people eat it up with a really, really big spoon.

Well, he would, I suppose. Besides Drew!

Given that the site as a whole does not seem to care for the NFL, does anyone at Deadspin actually enjoy the draft? I kind of hate it myself, but my idiot friends think it’s the highlight of the sports calendar. I suppose this is what happens when you live in Minnesota and your best team is in the WNBA.

It sounds like you’re offering Milo a job? Take it, MM, they have a union.

Four decades after Mark Fidrych, it’s good to see the Bird make its long-awaited return to Detroit.

Considering that this is the same network that gives us

Hang in there, trooper.

In all honesty: You should probably establish whether or not you’re considering Minneapolis Lakers. Yeah, it was a bazillion years ago and they’re mostly all dead, but George Mikan was so dominant they had to change the game to look more like it looks today (doubling the size of the lane, adding the shot clock).

FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN

Minneapolis ranks behind Baltimore? Are you fucking kidding me?

“Hmmm, looks like Josh’s got a problem here. Maybe we should call timeout? ... Wait, I bet I can throw a bounce pass off his ass so that we can play this possession 4-on-5! Sure, let’s do that instead.”