I never had the dress shopping experience. At first, I thought I’d do it, but always knew I’d go in feeling insecure. I never like shopping when it has to be done with the help of someone in the store, because I feel beholden to them for some reason. I was afraid that if I went into a regular bridal store, I’d come…

Because not all of us try to escape the sleepless melancholy of our sad, meaningless little lives through imbibing spirits?

cue the “but I’m lactose intolerant! Don’t you have any normal ice cream?”

It’s not that mosquitoes don’t like smoke, it’s that smoke masks you from them and they can’t find you. Mosquitoes have a few ways of finding people (and other animals) to feast on, mostly via sensing body heat or the CO2 you emit when you exhale. As you can imagine, being near fire and smoke kind of fucks with a…

Subtracting oatmeal from that yields a perfect breakfast.

This is when you pull out your phone and start filming. “You know what happens if this goes viral?”

I’m all for a watered down version of this: everyone gets one free bitchslap a week. Choose carefully, you’ll have to wait until Sunday for your new allotment :)

What flavor was it before adding the bland?

Nothing makes me more furious than people who say this line to other people. NOTHING.

It’s 5:00 somewhere.

But that would mean the dumb people get to shoot someone, too...

especially since the front line person knows this is a common occruance at these games that are expected to be busy. Therefore the management has no excuse for not knowing they should order more supplies, its not like its the first time this happened. But yeah, can’t blame the front line person, and no excuse to act…

Gluten Free lady is why I have completely given up eating in restaurants, forever. I found out about 3 months ago that I have Celiac Disease. Many eateries are trying to provide Gluten Free foods but they only go far enough to satisfy the stupid lady in that story. Those of us that have real issues with gluten are…

My great grandfather was pretty racist and hated Italians as a rule, so he avoided Italian restaurants his whole life and claimed to hate garlic. A year or so before his death he was taken out to dinner, ordered something (don’t remember what) but he declared it fantastic and wanted to know what the amazing flavor…

Those people drive. Probably an SUV. Probably while texting on the phone.

Everyone knows the real way to impress your date is to order them fish-flavored pancakes during dinner rush. DUH.

The brain, which we often think of as the source of higher thought and reason, is divided into various regions. One of these regions is the brainstem, which plays a vital role in the regulation of the body’s various functions such as breathing, metabolism, and locomotion.

I think it may be because I’m a dirty furriner, but the Crown Royal joke went completely over my head. Would someone be so kind as to let me in on the joke?

Most of these folks are, indeed, just stupid. But the cappucino lady and the ketchup lady are just plain awful human beings. I pity their families, their coworkers, and anyone else who is unfortunate enough to come in contact with them.

Carla’s honeycomb ice cream story 😱😱😱😩😩😩