"I talked to Doc for like 45 minutes . . . "

The Patriot Way:

-Norman Schwarzkopf, 1991

This is conclusive proof that

Fan 1: Wow, how do you feel Mr. Parrot?

@SI_PeterKing: @NFLCommish Can I give you a massage?

You've got to expect these kind of swaps when you're dating a swinger.

Blackhawks fans' feelings:

He then treated the crowd to a lovely acapella version of "Tiny, Hows My Ass Taste"

The Hind Side

Oh, you've got your O'Hara but I must tell you that Stumpy makes my loins tingle.

As an avid Eagles fan I'd like to point out that in my mind this is close enough to finally getting Super Bowl hardware.

In a typically Philly fashion, the culprits stole his battery, then threw it at him.

"Twice in 17 seconds. Sounds about right."

Maybe he should have used some of that magic to not screen his own goaltender.

Kari: Ok, Mark. How would you describe this wine?

No matter what booth he's working in, you're pissed off that you just gave him two quarters.

There Goes Spermin' Berman

"Everyone knew it was a shitty speech," she said, "but it was nice for him to come."

"My site gets 100M page views a month," Florio says, sliding his little legs through the harness and tightening the chest straps. "It's a very popular blog about athletes getting arrested, and people like it. They like me, too." His voice is shaking now, the adrenaline coursing through his veins. It's so high up here…