Von Miller tackles 20% percent more earwax than standard cotton swabs alone. Now put that in your pipe and smoke it, Mom and Dad! Actually, you don't even have to smoke it. Just take it in pill form and wait for the waves of glowing warmth to start lapping. [shakes head] Parents, right?

[snapping fingers] Oh yeah. Definitely dig that. Yep. This is my new go-to.

They were off. For 80 seconds, children ages 8-16 from the Harris County Department of Family Protective Services tore through open aisles, pulled once-unthinkable items off shelves and kept racing in dreamland.

What a jerk. Everyone knows you put the popcorn in the beer.

Somebody needs to throw a flag on this play. If it's not the NFL and the Rams, then it'll be cops and their supporters.

Hmm. Only room in the suitcase for one more thing. I don't even know what the hell SPF stands for (nothing I bet), so...Bon Jovi box set it is.

You'd tear up too if you were that close to the Jaguars in a confined dome.

Hampden-Sydney, huh? Sounds like a great place to meet chicks!

It is now being reported that the app has been suspended for two weeks with pay.

I'm confused. McDermott clearly just wants to get in where he fits in, and yet he's pulling this crap on an NBA basketball court.

The dunk was the talk of the after-party, at which everyone in attendance fit comfortably into a wood paneled basement.

Well then you're technically honor-bound to give me money.

So this is what all that tuition air is going towards?!

~ Pregame ~

Maybe now Fishers, Indiana can change its welcome sign to "Home of Gary Harris" instead of the current "Home of Eric Larper, the guy who grew up hanging around in the same general crowd as Larry Bird but was never, like, best friends with him or anything".

What a bleak future the coming generations will inherit. A future in which NCAAF schools have become so money-hungry that they completely sell out to french fry companies.

Medical personnel wheeled Marcus Smart off the court on a stretcher tonight

Tssssssssssss.

Those were huge, huge, HUGE shots for professional basketball in the city of Charlotte. Those of us who had their hearts smelted down into small blackened acorns by George Shinn and then had to endure many years of whatever the fuck the Bobcats were are a bit more likely to open the door a crack for this team. It's a…

"Hi, I'm Redskins owner [expletive deleted], and I'd like to tell you about why everyone should just loosen up."