Player 1: [rolls ‘Screw You!’, moves ahead three spaces]

Despite all this, Dan Snyder was still the most shriveled wiener in the locker room after the game.

Publishers Clearing House: Hi there, we’ve got a 3-million dollar check for Dana Holgorsen here! Are you Dana? Well, are you? It says right here this is his address! Sir!

Sorry dude it’s back-to-back-to-back-to-back or higher or it’s not getting my attention.

‘Mysterious Deactivation’ sounds like Joe Walsh trying just a little bit too hard to reach a younger audience with his latest single.

Dear Tim, it would have ‘been a lot cooler if you did’ reach your potential.

The only downside of a speedy Sam Darnold recovery is that at the end Sam Darnold is able to be your team’s quarterback.

Why did he do it? Probably for a little taste of Tempe Treasure, a bit of Flagstaff Foie Gras, a heaping helping of that sweet Sonoran Snack Pack.

I guess when it comes to issues like these, Tebow just likes to sit back and let Jesus do his part. He also wishes Jesus had paid more attention in barber college.

Man I just don’t trust this USSF. If I were the representing the women’s team I wouldn’t let my guard down around them for even a split second.

‘A Nutcase and a Fool’: The true story behind Mr. Peanut’s airport arrest for cashew smuggling

“Sure, a few of your team’s players were involved in horrific off-season domestic violence incidents, but luckily for your squad they’ve suffered pretty much zero consequences!”

Soon we’ll hear that Randle “was powerfully passionate about representing his country,” but might have left his oven on and really should go check on it.

it’s safe to say Sabathia will not be getting any Christmas cards from the Rays organization.

Gooden was pulled over just after 1 a.m. on June 7 for driving too slowly on the highway

“Keep being negative and I’ll send you another dick pic.”

“Hey, now. There’s nothing wrong with a wealthy Maryland businessman taking matters into his own hands every now and then. Let’s cut the guy a little slack.”

While his baseball career might be done, this shredded flamethrower always has a job as a Taco Bell menu item.

Terrbile grammar? Check.

I’m not sure. I think I heard he goes by Tony now.