The young Panther fan was crestfallen to learn that placing a Colin Kaepernick autograph between the cheek and gums produces no effect.

[are blown out by cold draft of air, melt down into grotesque distorted blobs]

Oooh, look at Mr. 'I Go To Grade School'! Rich people make me sick.

Francis further embarrassed himself by exclaiming "Good night, Jiangsu Province!" at the conclusion of the photo opportunity.

I guess J.R. Smith and Tim Tebow do have something in common, after all.

Can't really fault Chuck for struggling. Over on the TNT set they play the game with a crumpled-up Ernie instead of a ping pong ball.

Let's take it easy on Stewart. He's been too busy enjoying the vintage CalicoVision he won on eBay last week to concern himself with personal appearance.

The Under Armour design team had to get creative upon discovering that there is only enough Northwestern basketball history to make a pair of John Stockton hip huggers.

Bill Walton, proud graduate of UC-Space.

Other Coaches By The Numbers:

I'm going to assume the 'L' stands for 'zodiac killer'.

That's the expression of a man who was just filled up full-on by the wandering soul of a wiser, healthier John Candy.

Museum Tour Guide, 500 years in the future: And here behind the rope you can view a perfectly preserved relic from the days of footed ball. This artifact is particularly significant because it was autographed by one of our nation's most notable and revered patriots, as well as some guy who loved going down water…

Local slackers Dispassionate Dmitiri and Listless Leonid were imprisoned for life once authorities learned of their excitement levels.

Since it happened three years ago, I guess you could say this mode has ceased.

I come for the Kirk Goldsberry shot charts, but I stay for the Kirk Goldsberry hot sharts.

Edgar Martinez, chilling on couch with friend: [notes personal DS vote percentage, shares results with friend, fist bumps friend, finishes off 24 oz. Redbull, gets back to tearing Halo a new one]

I prefer my Dicks wrinkled, with a horseshoe of flaxen gray hair encircling the head.

Why can't the league just let me be myself?!

Not surprising. The Velociraptor and the Cave-hippie have been natural enemies for millions of years.