You know, there’s a way to make sure the Sixers get some value for Fultz, the Knicks fix their PG problem, and let New York move a team cancer that couldn’t even be bothered to show up for last season’s exit interviews....

...they’ll be dinosaur skeletons and she’ll deny they exist because the Earth was only created 6000 years ago.

In a related story, Mark Wahlberg demanded $1.5 million from the producers of Allen’s new film, just because.

Dammit, you can’t just go around proposing that everybody eat their babies, no matter how modest you are about it.

Luckily, as an expert in hostage policy, she should be well equipped to deal with being an American citizen these days.

Okay, but we can still make the poor pay for Medicare even if we withhold it, right? Asking for a Republican...

This story would be a whole lot juicier if she had followed through on her Senate candidacy and won..

A helpful mantra: Republicans are Evil, Democrats are Stupid, Independents are Batshit Insane. Anytime a politician says/does something wrong, apply this statement and it will make sense.

robot who can hold a grudge and tweet.

Nothing to see here; just had to make sure the guy was still a Virginian.

I do think sometimes the Internet has made this stuff go too mainstream. I signed up for Amazon Prime the other day and they sent me a 30 page story about Harry and Malfoy performing frottage during one of Snape’s Potions classes.

“Ooh, sorry. We were going for, ‘It ain’t easy being gangsta.’” - Alex Trebek

And while living with roommates might sound like a cool sitcom setup, most of us are disillusioned as soon as we actually do it.

We only care about this if it leads to him making the team and carrying the flag in PyeongChang shirtless, don’t we?

Only if you took out the Keurig, as well.

Hm. I’ve always assumed the tipoff that the dealer is ripping you off is...that you’re at a dealership.

So true! Everybody knows that if you’re going to do a mint marinade on chicken, the proper pairing with beets is either a creamy ricotta or a thick yogurt.

“The only proper sporting activity for red skins is professional football.” - posh DC resident

Given that a “performance condemnation” would actually have been warranted, I’m assuming the word you were searching for was “commendations”?

At least now we know the appropriate response if KD ever bitches about not getting a foul call for the rest of his career.