The last time an owner of St. Louis Spirits received $500 million was 2009, when the Cardinals paid off Tony La Russa's bar tab.

Red McCombs: God damnit, I want Saban! That guy was one play away from the national championship. Texas should be able to go eeny-meeny-miny-moe and get that guy.

The enforced secrecy is due to the fact that the UTEP players won't be charged as adults.

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, boy this isn't healthy.

I hope this doesn't give kids the idea that firing automatic weapons is cool, because make no mistake, it's very very cool.

PBR is way off the chart in the bottom left.

Tommy Smith: Mike, we're going to have to fire your ass...

HEY THIS PLACE IS FOR WOOD CATCHING FIRE JOKES ONLY MISTER

It seems to me like the NCAA reviews always get it wrong too. Like they didn't actually review any footage, they played a couple levels of candy crush, flipped a coin and upheld the call on the field.

Your actions created an environment where guy-on-Guy love was acceptable. That's just not right in my book.

Even though Philly sold all their tickets, three of four Eagles fans will definitely be blacked out.

did the Browns really have to put team HQ next to some kind of abandoned box factory?

Projected Cowboys draft picks, 2014:

I was actually making a joke off of his tweet, predicting that people would label him an Eagles homer, you great big douche.

I literally spent several minutes wondering if Senile Jerruh was a DT prospect from Nigeria that I hadn't heard of.

They tell me you are wicked and I believe them, for I have seen your painted women under the gas lamps luring the farm boys.

Worst-Worst Case Scenario: Your 2014 Superbowl Champions, The Dallas Cowboys The New York Jets The New England Patriots oh just forget it

By making people guess what day the game will be on, they've turned a regular-old squares game into a kick-ass Rubik's cube.

Jimmy John's Founder: Dude, Brock, I have to ask. What's with the pants?

Huh. It's kinda surprising the Georgia Tea Party would reject such a sweet deal.