Thanks, Grandpa.

Can we just shut this shit down right now? I have full sleeves and have never once had a problem wearing short sleeves at my jobs. I have a good career AND TATTOOS. The world is changing, my friends.

when guys try to finger you like they are tenderizing a steak

This might have happened to me once. Maybe.

She even tiptoes awesome.

I slept on an air mattress once when I was about 13 and it slowly deflated in the night, meaning I woke up lying on a flat piece of plastic. I’ve been suspicious of them ever since.

Yeah. That’s because you’re drinking crappy stuff. There is no way you should be over booze without having had at least one stretch of functional alcoholism in your life. It’s a rite of passage. Stick to simple, good vodka (no “well” stuff) with non-acidic mixers. Tito’s and club soda is my go-to.

Crashing in a hotel room with multiple people I barely know to save money.

is this satire

I have a girl crush on Janelle so big its embarrassing. Any time I see her picture in anything I get oddly giddy.

Not good dinner, certainly, and not for more than me. Even a salad from scratch involves enough cutting to eat up 45 minutes, and that’s not counting if you have to cook a protein to go in it or want to make the dressing yourself.

And just a peevish reminder: aw and awe are two different things.

One season. One summer season. One fantastic summer season.

YES. I, CatAss, unabashedly love Ryan Adams (even after that once concert where he was so fucked up he forgot a bunch of lyrics) and I will listen to this album like woah.

Yep. I’m a total cat lover and have two incredibly active cats that have never stepped foot outside the house in their lives unless they were in a carrier. They don’t miss what they don’t know. If you can’t handle cats going crazy (in an adorable way) inside, don’t get a cat.

In a blind taste test, 9 out of 10 Barbies prefer Dave Franco.

Dave Franco redeems the Franco name.

I did the same thing. I still can’t watch that “Pony” scene without feeling like I’m cheating on my husband.

Can we please get his stance on the vacuum cleaner? This is a wedge issue for me.

Ahem **insert political ad voice**