Yeah, but what they don't tell you is that Sally set the fire.

The cat shortly after the rescue.

The kibble must flow

I could not be less attracted to Mark Wahlberg right now. Nice jorts, Dad.

Ontario Provincial Police have released this dramatic recreation of the fight:

I keep getting the feeling that all of Canada's rudeness is being channeled through Justin Bieber. We broke it, so we had to buy it. No refunds. No wonder they apologize so much.

So tempted to reply to every hater comment with "SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH JENNIFER" but I'm a grown up.

And in other breaking news Canada is North of the United States!

NOPE NOPE NOPE. Meet you all at the gas station for one last hurrah.

One time my grandparents went out to enjoy the snow with my mom, a baby at that time. They put her on a sled and went walking through the snow while towing the sled behind them. At some point they turned around and realized my mom was gone. They ran back and found her smiling in the snow. It's hilarious now to talk…

That's not right. I grew up with hunting, and have memories of seeing a buck hanging by it's hind feet to the garage door, with blood dripping off its nose. It was definitely dead.

so at first I thought you meant an actual printer, like an HP 3600. And I was like "you named the printer Gary?"

Things I have experienced as a Disney cast member:

My boss sat the entire company down one morning in the boardroom for a very important meeting.

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

You miswrote KoЯn.

As a funny aside, for a really long time my sister thought the lyrics to "Escape" were "You can run, you can die, but you can't escape my love." Which sort of managed to add another layer of creepy to an already kind of creepy song (lyrics wise...cardio wise, I effing love this song).

Damnit. Now I have to listen to more Korn. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

TEAM PEPPERMINT MOCHA FOR LIFE.

Yeah, but like, why complain? August is bullshit, and I wish autumn and the holiday season lasted longer. But I'm one of those assholes who wishes it could just be October year-round.