About six years ago I met up with this weird vegan dude at a sleazy dive bar just across the river from my apartment. He looked nothing like his profile picture and had a collection of some of the worst goddamn tattoos I have ever scene.

I go through some of those phases too, especially with my armpits. Sometimes it's just like "LET'S SEE WHERE THIS GOES, ARMPIT."

...and noted Veela Gwyneth Paltrow

This is cute, but pug marriages are usually loveless arrangements. They are more about consolidating power and wealth between two pug houses.

One time when I was a teen I got high with one of my friends and we followed around this woman because we thought she was a witch because she was carrying a staff and dressed in a black trench coat with black makeup and wearing a weird hat but then I went up to her and asked her if she was a witch and she told me she…

5 Hot Abortion Tricks That Will Stimulate His Legislation

Pho and banh mi are already fast food, if they get any faster they'll be eating you instead.

No fucking thank you. We already have white people thinking Panda Express is good Chinese Food. Do we need to ruin another cuisine? There must be something we can do.

When I was eight, I was the world's premiere designer of rabbit dwellings. That's right, I sketched homes for bunnies. It was hard work, but someone's gotta do it. Sadly, nobody ever paid for my designs. Bunnies are cheap-asses.

I would bet it would be something like, "while her milkshake brought all the boys to her yard, her feijoada was a significantly less effective metaphor for her sex appeal."

I just finished teaching Of Mice and Men to one of my classes - began my last lesson with this on the screen:

These are the kinds of adults that Roald Dahl wrote about: humorless bridge trolls.

Way to be a buzzkill, lady. I mean, come on - if you don't like fun, why sign up to be a part of the Scripps National Spelling Bee?

We had a Diversity Day in my high school, and one of my classmates, without a trace of irony, raised his hand and said out loud "I'm not homophobic, I just hate gay people."

I'll just let this Llama sum up how I feel on this subject...

Waiting for the Guacamole War of '14 (tm) to re-ignite in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...