Hey now, Austin Rivers is more than just a Digital Media Intern.

The people in Winnipeg are going to be so angry about this once they get the internet.

Who took this picture? Why publicize such a private moment?

“Yeah, see, here’s your problem: these teams fucking suck.”

What? But the whole story is that vader is the strongest jedi that ever was, but would do literally anything to save his loved ones. It’s the very demonstration that personal attachment leads to the dark side.

Nobody complains that Blood Meridian ended without the kid and Judge Holden sharing a hug and a cry. Nobody thinks Moby-Dick is a lesser book because neither Ahab nor the white whale finds redemption at the end.

And I’d contend that he can be both a horrifying force of nature and have human depth. His ability to walk around crushing throats and conduct savvy dinner time ambushes remain undiminished by the fact that he still harbored plans break the oppression over him by a more manipulative figure and that he could challenge…

Okay, but if we’re randomly comparing Star Wars to classics, why not Crime and Punishment, A Tale of Two Cities, Les Miserables, etc. etc. etc.?

No one is saying they can’t be mutually exclusive... the issue is that the theme of “fall and redemption” are totally central to the Star Wars story(ies). That theme is the dominant factor that makes Star Wars what it is (something you are talking about 30 years later). Star Wars could have been another story with a…

It’s Return of the Jedi, as in return of THE Jedi - the return of Anakin Skywalker. It’s not the return of the Jedi as a group or religion or such. It’s the return of the one Jedi to the light side of the Force. Return of the Jedi. Think about it.

If McCarthy wrote Jedi, Vader would have gutted Luke like a tauntaun while the Lando was blown out of the sky. Then, instead of a party on Endor, it would have been a solemn wake for the fallen. Suddenly, “a parsimonious but salacious luminescence stained the western sky. A preternatural dawn rose. A calyx blossoming…

Albert Burneko eats a snickers bar with knife and fork.

I heard they posted that piece on how to please a woman specifically for him.

I love the “That’s exactly the point” argument. Oh wow! Previously the narrative aims of this hamfisted laser-sword movie were soaring over my head, but now that I know that what I disliked about it was The Point, I feel totally different about the whole thing.

Dial it back. He made it through a whole column without the crutch of a Cincinnati Chili joke.

Albert Burneko drowns his fries in ketchup and says yes when the waitress asks if pepsi is ok.

Albert Burneko is morally okay with the Baltimore Ravens having employed Ray Lewis

Han stopped being a scoundrel, Luke became Space-Jesus, Vader became a giant wuss, Leia dropped from 100% of the women in the universe to being 50% of the women in the universe, and even R2 “Deus Ex Machina” D2 failed at doing something for the first time in his entire existence.

I love the Ewoks. Judge me. I don’t care.