Still alive...

Those kids at the back of the bus need to quiet the hell down or I'm pulling over, making them put up their windows and turning the heat on.

$$$$

SHA-mon

THIS IS THE ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT ANY MORE, SORRY EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD.

I read the 'tee hee hee,' of course, as a falsetto TEE-heehee. Followed by a crotch grab.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ is a good way of putting it. He's really cheesy but he has a point. Also, if his fans are even half as crazy as Cumberbatch's then I do feel bad for him.

I agree that his female counterparts will always have it worse, but I don't really see him saying anything to invalidate their experience. Being constantly objectified kind of sucks for everyone, no matter what your gender is. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also I agree with him about the redheads. Love redheads. All redheads.

And I'm like…

Bulleit Rye makes an excellent Manhattan.

I know your friend was BSing, but I can relate. I have damaged kidneys and they drain at different rates, so I pee 2x the amount of most people. When I have to go places where I'm uncertain about toilets, I get weird about the food I eat and drinking anything lest I need to pee and can't.

Is this an appropriate excuse for getting out of coworkers' nightclub birthday parties? (I work in entertainment and people go out after shows)

Another good reason is that maybe one is allergic to "crunchy" as the restaurant customer told her server in Kitchenette. That one still kills me.

That is, perhaps, the only good reason I can think of for turning down the saltine challenge.

Seems fair enough

A kid who was late to my class once said that he was helping someone out of a burning building. I laughed and told him to take a seat. You have to begrudgingly admire someone with the chutzpah to try to pull off such a dumb and blatantly made up excuse.

But he was right!

Oh, god, those idiots. I got hit by one of them who didn't see the red light because she was looking for a hamburger joint in another town. If I hadn't waited a moment after I got the green, she would have killed me. As it was, she did $9K damage to my car and I just had some pretty bad bruising.

Real conversation from about 4 years ago, between me and my husband who was supposed to have quit smoking:

A former co-worker of mine called in sick one morning. She said she had gone to a concert the night before and then gone to the Waffle House afterward. At the Waffle House, she saw a roach crawl across the floor. This disgusted her so much that she had to throw up all night long and could not come in to work, she…