"Call me an ugly American."

"It's gotta be the shoes." - Spike Lee

Damnit...you're all right! I'm going to buy you a cold/warm/cold...I'm going to buy you a beer! Cheers.

I don't see what the big deal is...they can always fall back on their proper oral hygiene, healthy anti-smoking lifestyle and cold beer.

"It was great to see her support her husband through his performance. She was perfect." - Hanley Ramirez

Can you send frozen numbers through the mail?

Can we trade these types of incidents for our school shootings? Because boobs, body shops and no obituaries.

I've liked his World Cup coverage on ESPN so far. He works well with Alexi...wait...who are we talking about again?

Wow...we really are doomed as a species. Bartender, another round!

Rumor has it the driver was "just a good ol' boy...never meanin' no harm".

Jonny Gomes was was thinking up new "unwritten rules" for their next series with Tampa Bay.

That's great. I hear the weather in Fargo is...challenging. In other news, I am renting my closet in San Francisco for $5,000 a month.

"I believe he stopped to look at it for a nanosecond too long." - Every pitcher with an inferiority complex and/or small penis

In the Deadspin reception area waiting for the photo of "...The Guy Who Lost". <Musak version of The Girl From Ipanema playing in the background>

I was thinking "Seven Nation Army"...though they're probably bigger than Lichtenstein's.

I love how "taking action" now means buying a gun and shooting someone. All other options are so quickly dismissed and we go straight to killing someone as a means of resolution. *slow insane golf clap*

Will the government confiscate some two's weapons? No way they are going to confiscate some three's weapons. Some four's? That would be bonkers.

I can see where that would be a "distraction" for a security guard...and when I say distraction I mean "erection"...and when I say "erection" I mean a "loaded semi-automatic firearm".

A significant amount of tiny Purity Rings were just forfeited.

What in the hell is going on in baseball? Why are they both wearing dark alternate tops?!?!?!